In an era in which we are surrounded by so much advertising noise, it is difficult to understand what we should be listening to. I have no misconceptions.

Staff Writer

Oct 28, 2012

I am fully aware that I am nothing but a tool for the advertising industry. I am to be manipulated and told what I should aspire to own and, as such, change my life for the better. And you know what? I don’t mind.

Despite what hippies say, money does buy happiness. Speak to any billionaire. They will tell you they are fucking ecstatic and the reason is, they have a lot of stuff. And money buys freedom to do what they want. So technically, advertisers are doing us a great service by telling us what’s cool instead of us having to figure it out by ourselves. Now we’ve all seen product placement in movies. But there’s product placement and there’s product placement. You’ll see what I mean.

Heineken have been making quite a hoopla with their tie-in with James Bond Skyfall and their Grand Marketing Overlords here in Egypt invited Cairoscene to the premiere. For anyone who missed the campaign, James Bond now drinks Heineken. Skeptics amongst you might say this is shameless, but hang on, let me tell you about my experience.

The Invitation:

Heineken invites you to the premiere of Skyfall in the VIP cinema at City Stars.

Keywords here: Heineken (because we are awesome) have invited you (because you’re special) to the premiere (as in before anyone else sees it) of Skyfall in the VIP cinema. By this point I already love Heineken.

The Event:

Filled with a small collection of people Cairenes aspire to be like, I felt awesome as soon as I arrived. Product placements are everywhere, with sexy images of Bond girls and bloody handsome Bonds all drinking Heineken. I want to be these people and take part in all the Bond-related activities.

The Movie:

People have criticised Heineken for making Bond sell out. Well this is all BS, don’t worry. He still drinks his signature Vodka Martini but Heineken has actually managed to make drinking a beeer look far cooler than that.

At the beginning of the film, there is a scene in some arid country in some run down hotel where Bond is bedding one of the sexiest women that has ever lived. Unlike previous, slightly effeminate Bonds, with dubiously camp catch lines, this Bond is properly going for it. It is rough, she is curvy and they are both loving it. Basically, he’s being a man. A fucking lucky man. Afterwards they lay in bed, she is stares at him, big-eyed and satisfied,while he stares straight at the wall, enjoying a cool Heineken. That was it, I was officially sold. I don’t care how crude people may say it is, but I instantly wanted a Heineken, and frankly that scene was so much more effective than any scene with him saying shaken not stirred. There’s product placement and then there’s product placement. See?