It's 3AM in the morning. The British nation eagerly awaits the birth of the royal child of Prince William and Kate Middleton and they haven’t been this gripped since the royal wedding. Journalists, bloggers and the psychotically patriotic public hustle outside St .Mary’s Hospital in London with baited breath, hoping for a glimpse of something that’ll make them the first to break the news. Unlike normal mortal births, where the process is somewhat linear and simple (a woman gets pregnant and then gives birth to a baby, easy), a royal birth is a colossal event where each minor detail is of the upmost importance, from what car she used to travel to the hospital, to the colour of her bed sheets to how she gives birth. At this point, it has been rumored that the pregnancy came about from a certain alignment of the planets or an electrical storm, disputing reports that it was conceived by the Royal Penis.

News has suddenly been released that the Royal Baby has now been delivered but, as of yet, no information has been leaked to reporters. 24 hours go by and, although it has been confirmed by Kensington Palace that the baby has been born, no information with regards to gender, health or name have been released. Curiously, most publications run stories unrelated to the royal birth and stay-tight lipped as the public begin to question what has happened. Polls across social media platforms suggest that the baby tragically didn’t make it and the royal family have been given a chance to console their loss.

Two days have now passed since the royal birth and a press conference has been called but Prince William and Kate are nowhere in sight. The press officer begins: “At 9AM, on the morning of the 23rd of July, Kate Middleton gave birth to a healthy baby boy.” The press cheers and whoop as the press officer continues the formalities: the weight of the baby and the procedure in which he was given birth to. Meanwhile, a few paparazzi are still circling the hospital hoping to get a glimpse; a local reporter for The Sun has found his way into the convoy leaving the hospital and takes a haphazard snap of Kate getting into the back of a Range Rover. He looks down at his camera. His jaw drops and his eyes widen. The baby is black.

The Sun bravely run with the story the next morning, headlined THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS. The public are in outrage. 90% are in denial, accusing The Sun of their usual sensationalism, whilst members of the racist BNP movement have begun to protest in central London, storming Buckingham Palace and setting fire to national monuments. Prince William comes out with a statement in order to halt the public’s loss of faith in the royal family after the birth of baby Tyrone: “Well… He does have my father’s ears.”

Rumors run wild across the world, speculating the legitimacy of the child and who the father really is. Leaders on the subject of legitimacy, the Muslim Brotherhood, were quick to respond by saying they had already had a vision of the child at Raba’a El Adeweya and Angelina Jolie has come out to say she is willing to adopt the child. Prince Charles, it is learned, has passed away from a heart attack after the discovery of the ethnicity of the child. As the world waits for confirmation, Kanye West has come out, putting people’s minds at ease, stating “I only dip my pen in Armenian ink.”