Beliefs of the Egyptian Mother

There is a certain species of mothers, the Egyptian kind, who adhere to certain philosophies and belief systems specific to this country. We suspect that there is, somewhere in this city, a Society of Egyptian Mothers, where they are all given a guidebook to adhere to and have weekly meetings to reassess their strategies and make sure they are all on the same page, especially with regards to their daughters. We have yet to uncover the whereabouts of their headquarters but we're still looking… We have however, pinned down some of their central theories.

Whenever the question of spending the night out at a friend's place comes up, Egyptian mothers feel like this is a personal insult to their own homes. Why would you sleep at your friend's house? Ma3andekeesh beit ya3ni? - the common catchphrase of many an Egyptian mum. The concept of a sleepover bewilders them; why would you need to spend the night out when you have a perfectly good bedroom of your own to go home to? Whether you're having an actual old-fashioned, innocent sleepover complete with popcorn and bitchy gossip or you just want to party till dawn without having to face your parents in your post-outing drunken state, is besides the point.

Fashions come and go, but some will simply never have the good fortune to get the Egyptian mum stamp of approval. When donning (fashionably) ripped jeans, the Egyptian mom often takes to staring at them with equal amounts confusion and revulsion. "You look like you're homeless and can't afford to buy jeans." I'M CHANNELING THE HOMELESS, MOTHER, OKAY? This is how I champion their cause.

It is bordering on blasphemy for Egyptian mums if your hair isn't done to perfection. Enty nazla men el beit sha3rik 3amel kida? God forbid you don’t want to go to a goddamn hair salon and spend hours getting your hair chemically fried. Clearly, if you leave the confines of your home you should always look presentable, lest you disgrace the family name with your unkempt hair. 

So we all know curfews are a thing for Egyptian mothers (not applicable to guys obviously, because if you’ve been blessed with a penis you don’t have these ridiculous rules enforced on you). But the reason you can't come home after midnight is because, according to our mothers, besides the fact that no respectable girl should arrive home that late just out of principle, "What will the bawab/security think?" The fuck do I care what the bawab thinks, Mother? And if you're out for more than ten consecutive hours, obviously, "enti say3a fel shaware3."

When it comes to removal of bodily hair, Egyptian mums are religious about this matter. Doesn’t matter if it's winter and no one will be seeing your arms or legs anytime soon, you should wax them anyway because it's 'nadafa.' And don't ever let your mother catch you shaving – since childhood we've had the 'the hair grows back more' mantra drilled into our heads.  

Some more gems include:

Is he from a good family?

Why are your nails chipped – you look like a shaghalla.

And when you ask for something they want to say no to – es2ally abooki.