Style is a sacred thing...
The new maid keeps locking my closet door. Her name is Winnie, so I forgive her. I feel that God is using Winnie as a vessel; a sign to tell me that it is time for a complete style overhaul.The other sign was my brand new credit card, which I have already named Bonquiqui. Our relationship is very abusive. I swipe her effortlessly from store to store and she ruins everything with her passive aggressive text messages about how much I spent. It’s like I’m really happy and then really annoyed because it’s all a lie. This isn’t free money Bonquiqui, you fucking liar. No, don’t go, I love you! Anyway, one of my new life rules is to not ignore signs from God; it was time for some spiritual re-connection and a conversation with HIM.
“Everyone your age is dressing in really preppy in shirts, leather boat shoes and Hermes belts.”
But, I really hate boat shoes, God (no socks!?!?), and shirts are really uncomfortable. Also, you know this, I lost my Hermes belt when I was like 17 and shit really hasn’t gone uphill since then. You know what I mean God?
“My child, you look like a 16 year-old crackhead. You must get a grip. Only then will I be able to help.”
God, is all black the answer? But my friend says I look like a midget in black pants, which is really hard since I’m about 6’1” (seriously, thank you for my height). Inspiration? To be fair, I’ve been dressing like this for about a year now; the cuffed pants, the retro-ish sneakers and that whole denim on denim business. I don’t have floppy hair or chiseled cheekbones, but that’s all on you, God. I know I’m not in New York, but that’s your decision too. Have you even been listening to me?
The mall? Ok, listen, we really have to do something about that whole situation as well. You can’t got to malls in Egypt. There’s like this really, really loud trance music in all the stores, unhelpful assistants and crowds of fat/veiled/wearing-brown people buying out hypermarkets. I’m panicked just thinking about it. You have no idea what I’m talking about? Oh yeah, I forgot. The malls here are all literally God forsaken.
The rest of the country? Ok so what you’re saying is you want me to grow a beard and continue with the cuffed pants? Can I wear a gallabeya? Listen, in China they have these things called facekinis and I’m obsessed. I want one in every colour just for every day wear. No? You don’t think that would suit me? Not with the tattoos… umm can we talk about those later? Yes, Judgement Day is good for me too…
Do you see what I mean? There is a reason jeans and a white t-shirt are staples of all the greats. James Dean? Cindy Crawford? You literally invented them. You’re going to have to be a lot more concise. I mean I know it isn’t the same thing when said white t-shirt has been around since 1998, but I mean… Where does one go from here?
Hello… Hello… God?