Top 7 Reasons for Penis Envy in Egypt

In Freudian psychoanalysis, the term 'Penis Envy' refers to the reaction a girl has when she finds she's noticeably missing an extra appendage. The way we use it, it's just flat out jealousy of men; that additional organ is a magic wand (pun intended) that opens the doors to a much better world and there is little shame in the admission of suffering from a massive case of penis-envy.

We've often always wished we were guys, ever since that age when you start to understand the realities of the world, and more specifically, of Egypt, and then promptly realise what a shit end of the deal we got as girls. Somewhere along the biological process we were raised one X chromosome and through that little genetic Wheel of Fortune we really got screwed over. It genuinely leads to thoughts that the universe is undeniably misogynistic. Sigh.

1. We could start with the obvious; the fact that once a month, without fail, we have to endure six days of bleeding from an orifice. And this process is neither a pleasant, nor a painless one. Let us disregard the fact that it's just a flat out nuisance – it's no fun sitting by a pool, bleeding away and unable to swim. There is also a strange phenomenon amongst Egyptian women in particular; that of the Mutant Period. For some reason unbeknownst to us (we are working on getting scientists to look into this – right after they cure cancer) Egyptian females' periods have taken on a life of their own – a life, we might add, that was never elaborated upon in science books – wherein they lead to women curled up in fetal positions in beds, screaming for injections to deal with the unbearable cramps. It is somewhat akin to the Black Plague.

2. It makes us want to rip our own wombs out when guys bring up the age old question of what hurts more, getting kicked in the balls or giving birth; it is an entirely irrelevant discussion because giving birth comes as a nine month package deal, people. You grow another human inside you and then spend several hours pushing it out of a very small opening while screaming bloody murder. It doesn’t even fall in the same fifteen-second-pain-category of a crotch-kick. And which one of us has to grow to the size of a beached whale in order to harbour this child?

3. We don’t think guys quite appreciate the sheer amazingness that is being able to pee damn near anywhere. If we had been blessed with an extra appendage we would literally whip it out every time we felt like we might maybe possibly potentially need to pee. GONE would be the days of fearing for a ruptured bladder because we had to hold it in for two hours of Cairo traffic. GONE WE SAY. A little piece of us wishes a door would close on your penis every time you get to stop a car and pee in the middle of the street and we don't. Just saying.

4. Speaking of roads, and roadtrips, every time a guy says 'Oh hey let's head out to Sukhna, like, now," it's so incredibly fucking frustrating because they are entirely oblivious to the fact that no, we as girls can't just pick up and head to Sukhna with ZERO notice because we must first get a damn waxing appointment and then proceed to spend an hour having hair painfully ripped out of the follicles on our skin. So when we dither and dally over the phone, THIS IS WHAT WE ARE DOING. We either have our periods or we haven’t waxed.

5. Putting aside the entire load of veritable crap that Mother Nature has dumped on us, there is then the question of the even bigger load that society has happily thrust in our faces, a load that we all, as women, despite our protests, perpetuate daily. With the unwritten rules Cairo society imposes on us, you always have to be aware of the dreaded Reputation for fear of being branded a harlot.

Guys can drink as they please – their shwasted experience is a humorous one in hindsight whereas girls get the title 'sharmoota'. They can drug it up to their heart's desire, and screw anything that moves. If a girl attempts to imitate so much as a fraction of this behavior, all hell breaks loose. It's not that we want to screw every guy within a 100-mile radius but we'd just like to reserve the right to do so without being imprinted with an invisible scarlet letter for all eternity.

6. We’d also rather like to be able to just casually hop in a cab without having to fret about the hour of the day, and have an elaborate exit strategy planned out in our minds in the event of potential rape. In fact, we'd like to be able to walk down the streets of our own country without wondering at which point exactly our ass may or may not get grabbed.

7. "But, girls can get just get free drinks/whatever they want at any time!" is the common response of many a guy. THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO WITH A GODDAMN FREE DRINK? I can purchase my own drinks thank you very much. And lest we forget this, the aforementioned drink comes with strings attached; it is not out the kindness of a guy's heart that they offer you free drinks; it’s a reciprocal kind of situation wherein one side provides drinks and the other acquiesces to some form of physical entanglement. Also, these alleged perks only exist in pretty girl world. Unattractive girls are given no such advantages.

So the next time a guy complains that girls "don't have to work" or "get free shit," go get all your bodily hair ripped out of your skin and then come talk to me. On the bright side, we don’t have to worry about army conscription, but we'd like to think of that as a small measure of retribution for the indignities we have to face.