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5 Ridiculous Theories About That Damned Sarcophagus

Who knew a 30-tonne slab of granite could whip up this much of a hubbub.

As modernity slowly starts forcing people’s eyes open to what is essentially a façade we call life, it comes as no surprise that folks want some escapism. Some like to believe in the supernatural, others enjoy thinking that cartoons are actually alternate dimensions caught on film, and (too many) others believe that drinking what’s inside a coffin buried for ages and ages could give you a better erection or some such shit.

About three weeks ago in the Sidi Gaber district of Alexandria, a 185-centimetre tall, 265 centimetre long and 165 centimetre wide black-granite sarcophagus was found underneath a building site. It's been generating quite the buzz around the Intertubes since its discovery, with folks claiming it to be Alexander the Great's final resting place, or an even worse Pandora's box.

Now that the 30-tonne box of disappointment has been debunked of all science fiction, here are five riveting examples of what people – including us – wanted to materialise from that 30-tonne hunk of bullshit.

Disclaimer: We’re essentially a lifestyle magazine. We aren’t historians, and this whole debacle from start to finish was a farce to begin with. Try not to take any of this too seriously and lighten up.

Remembering Alexander

Right, well, we had big hopes for this one. The eventual resting place of Alexander the Great – also known as the best Alexander – has never truly been confirmed to the public. What we could glean from history is that his body’s grand procession from Babylon to the Sanctuary of Amun (Hatshepsut’s Temple) was halted on the border between Egypt and Syria by Ptolemy I. Whether he was stuffed and mounted for people to witness and rob over the years, buried somewhere deep in the sunken sections of Alexandria or if his final resting place was actually found in Egypt by archaeologist Liana Souvaltzi, he was not to be found in that heap of shit. Speaking of shit…

A Hole in Time?

At some point after the tomb’s grand reveal – which could have been a great YouTube unboxing video – a supposed “official” came up with what we believe to be the best explanation for why there were three skulls in there, as opposed to one. “It is clear that these skulls all belonged to the same person, but over varying periods of time and age.”

Good to know where Stargate came from

Right. It was later discovered that the (fairly poor) burial was for three supposedly high-ranking members of the military- as evidenced by one of the skulls sustaining an arrow injury. We still like to believe that Pharaohs back then were experimenting with time travel in addition to inventing mathematics.

Mumma-Cola

Along with the three (apparently high-ranking) stooges found in the sarcophagus was an eerily red, deathly pungent liquid. Now, try to connect the dots here: Ominous, unmarked black coffin pops up, folks find red goo in it, the Internet exists, and human imagination (unfortunately) exists.

Pictured: Immortality

Motherfuckers want to drink it. They want to get a taste of that crimson drank. Even though it has been confirmed to be sewage water that spilled into the thing – sewage that, over time, whittled down three corpses down to their (barely intact) bones. There’s a petition out there with over 21,000 (of 25,000) motherfuckers who want to drink it to either flat out die (the best possible outcome) or gain what we can only assume is the strength of Ra. It’s poopy corpse juice. Please do not drink it.

A Curse on your Lineage

As is customary with anything involving the opening, tampering, touching, sniffing or even fornicating with things from Ancient Egypt, people far and wide thought that opening the thing would release a Pharaohnic Curse.

The real curse is being deprived of Brendan Fraser's performances.

While we ourselves would love for a cataclysmic event to erupt from the very fabric of existence - engulfing one and all in a thousand years of night and empty lighters – the topic of mummy curses has been laid to rest ages ago. Barring common sense, all the curses that claimed the lives of past Egyptologists were mostly attributed to then-harrowing diseases such as Malaria, Diphtheria, Dysentery and a positive outlook on life. Besides, do you want this earth to get even darker? Did you know gas is going to get more expensive?

The CairoScene Curse Theory

Lollygagging aside, we here at CairoScene were dreading something far, far more debilitating and pant-shittingly morbid to come from tampering with what should be left in peace. A curse so bleak and disconcerting that our senior writer (the one writing this) still sees visions throughout the day; crying himself to sleep in fear of its impending arrival.

*Distant echoes of our writer vomiting*

Yes, friendos, the most possible (and terrifying) curse that we believed would come out of that chunk of misery would have been a sequel to Tom Cruise’s 2017 “y’all should pay me to watch this” epic; The Mummy. Can you imagine a world where the second coming of Nick Morton and Dry Henry Jekyll would return to the silver screen once more? This writer doesn’t; he won’t stop crying.

Anyway, please stop trying to drink mummy sherbet. That is all.


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