In your arrogant youth, you probably thought magnetic key holders were useless, but who is laughing now?
You know how back in college all you needed was love and good grades? Then you graduated college, got yourself an actual legit job, like one with a horrible boss and everything, and your grown-up friends started taking you to IKEA, opening your eyes to the world of home furniture and accessories! You'll find yourself scrutinising everything, examining each item closely and wondering, "what could I possibly use this thing for?" Then realising you do need it because anything can come in handy if the hypothetical situation called for it! Our sentiments exactly upon skimming through IKEA's latest catalogue!
It’s date night, things have been rocky lately with the wife. You’ve decided to impress her by whipping up a romantic dinner, you’re frantically swiping through recipes on your phone on the kitchen counter. No! You’ve spilled pasta sauce on it. It ceases to work; your wife has been calling you but to no avail. She presumes you are having an affair; your relationship is over. You will be forever alone! THAT’S why you need the new RIMFORSA table stand. Thank you, IKEA!
It’s a beautiful sunny day, you and your friends are entertaining the idea of having a picnic in the park! Lovely! However, you have nothing to carry your sandwiches and confectionery in, you stuff it all in a plastic supermarket bag and by the time you arrive at the park, your turkey sandwiches and pasta salad have fallen out of the bag and now your friends think you are a freeloader and sever all ties with you! You will forever be alone and you have no one but yourself to blame because you could have easily purchased the new RISATORP BASKET. Thank you, IKEA!
Your drab pillows look like gray blobs of chronic depression, they give you nightmares, you don’t sleep because you’re afraid the monsters from your dreams will come back the minute you drift off, you can’t concentrate, you lose your job, you turn into Edward Norton in Fight Club! THAT’s why you need these new COLOURFUL CUSHIONS from IKEA so you can dream about unicorns and rainbows and Neverland - hopefully not Michael Jackson's!
Your future parents-in-law are coming over, you want to impress, your mother has had your engineering degrees on display on the side table for years, but they’ve gathered so much dust they’re not even visible. The parents-in-law presume you never even graduated, you’re not good enough for their daughter. The wedding has been called off and you will forever be alone! That’s why you need the new FABRIKOR GLASS DOOR CABINET. Thank you, IKEA!
Your heavy-set friend is coming over for tea, you escort him to your living area where he takes a seat on your miniature oriental salon chair. It’s extremely uncomfortable and his wide frame simply does not fit. He's hurt and insulted. He leaves immediately, heads home and writes a blog about how you’re prejudice towards fat people. It goes viral and you can no longer show yourself in public. You will forever be alone! THAT’s why you need the new NORSBORG TWO SEAT SOFA WITH CHAISE LOUNGE. Thank you, IKEA!
It’s your little one's first day at school, you pack his food into a plastic case. At lunch time, he opens it to reveal a mushy hot mess. Rice mixes with Molokyea infused with Coussa Béchamel coming together to form an unrecognisable disaster. His school mates stare in horror; they call him MUSH BOY. They start chanting in unison MUSHY BOY, MUSHY BOY! Your son develops low self-esteem and an eating disorder. Needless to say, that’s why you need the new FESTMALTID LUNCH BOX. Thank you, IKEA!
You’ve handed down your old king-sized poster bed to your child, it's so large that he leaves his school work, toys, and clothes on it as well. He grows up to be a disorganised adult with no sense of purpose - and not in an endearing creatively chaotic kind of way. Now he will never be a billionaire philanthropist! That’s why you NEED to get organised and purchase the STUVA LOFT BED COMBO for your child. Thank you, IKEA!
Your direct overhead neon lighting at home has caused you to develop cataracts, now being slightly visually impaired you can’t get a job, unable to get a job, you can no longer support yourself or anyone else and can’t afford cataract surgery, you are stuck in a vicious circle and will FOREVER be alone. That’s why you should purchase the beautiful SOLLEFTEA FLOOR LAMP! Thanks, IKEA!
Your little one, an aspiring artist, loves to paint and draw all kinds of lovely things, like rainbows and flowers, so you give him a little old wooden desk to peruse his passion. As he grows over the years, he finds himself having to bend down more and more. He ends up developing back problems which distract him from his art! Now he suffers from poor posture which requires posture correction therapy which he can’t afford because he gave up his artistic pursuits for a minimum wage job and you have a moral obligation to pay for it! Don’t dip into your retirement savings, invest in a PAHL ADJUSTABLE DESK! Thank you, IKEA!
It’s Mother’s Day, you decide to make your mom breakfast in bed. You struggle to carry all the plates in both your hands before eventually dropping them on her bed by mistake, there is foul and beid bil busterma everywhere. She disowns you and you are now an orphan and will FOREVER be alone. That’s why you need the new KLIPSK bed tray! Thank you, IKEA!