Friday December 1st, 2023
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5 Things Scarier Than Journalists in Egypt

Who's afraid of the big, bad journalists? Keyser Barbatoze is back to break down the things we should really fear in Egypt...

Staff Writer

Some of you may not know that, on the days where I’m not being a rich, handsome Internet writer, I work as a lawyer and compulsive liar. Ignoring that second bit for a second, let me present five things that –in my own esteemed legal opinion- pose a more clear and present danger to our fair country than Somalian nature documentaries, sheep farming in Australia and Somebody That I Used to Know. That is not a joke. Those are among the pieces of ‘evidence’ used to jail three Al-Jazeera journalists.

Definitely a crime, but nothing to do with journalism.

5. Hot Air Balloons

Because the idea seems perfectly sound; people have been filling cloth bataneyas with combustible gases and using them to float aimlessly for a while now, all the while huddled around a massive open flame. Predictably, this has ended disastrously a couple of times. 

Something this colourful can’t possibly be dangerous!

Never was that more clear than the 2013 Luxor hot air balloon crash, when 19 people lost their lives. And as iconic as the mode of transportation may be (thanks Jackie Chan!), crashes have been reported in 2007, 2008 and 2009 as well. Obviously, our Faculty of Balloon Science needs a little more funding. 

Our Faculty of Balloon Animals, however, remains one of the world’s finest.

Yet, despite a brief ban over the Luxor incident, these kaleidoscopic merchants of death still populate our skies. Why are they not caged and on trial yet? They’ve killed and they will kill again. They’re obviously Israeli agents targeting our fragile tourism sector. JAIL THE BALLOONS!

4. Ramez Galal 

This guy. This fucking guy. Wait, let’s run a quick experiment on those of you who don’t know who this guy is. Take a look at the picture below and rank how incredibly obnoxious that smug-ass face is, from 1-10.

If I was in a room with Ramez and Hitler and my gun only had one bullet, I’d stuff it in Ramez’s nostril.

If your answer was “Mere numbers cannot express the depth of my black loathing for that abominable spawn of Joan Rivers and a Sudanese baboon, and I hope he gets AIDS,” then congratulations! You don’t have to watch his vile prank shows, you can just hate him from the get-go. You officially get it.

Ramez Galal makes a living scaring the shit out of our finest entertainers. Which, sure, in theory, sounds great. It’s basically Punk’d with zero regard for legal repercussions or health issues. For example, in 2012, Ramez invited 82-year-old TV legend Hassan Hosny on a little trip to Sharm el Sheikh.

Poor guy looks like he’d faint just saying “Sharm el Sheikh.”

….and then proceeded to fake-attack his bus with a rocket launcher, put a gun to his head, lift him a hundred feet into the air with a crane (??) and threaten to kill him. Ha-ha! It’s funny because you were forced to rapidly come to terms with your own impending violent mortality! Ha-ha!

I don’t think I even need to make a case here. Those poor Al-Jazeera journalists never made anyone want to disembowel them with rusty spoons. They made documentaries about the Egyptian national team and made us feel all warm inside and definitely didn’t reduce octogenarians to gibbering heaps on national television. If the journalists got seven years apiece, Ramez should be executed via hungry shark. Incidentally, that’s his latest show, and before you ask: yes, he does get beaten to a bloody pulp by our new favourite leading man, Ahmed El Sakka. 

3. Obesity

It’s been famously said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. While that’s cute and all, I believe the original 14th century version went: “The way to stop an Egyptian man’s heart completely is to inject massive amounts of syrup directly into his bloodstream via konafa.” Shit, we getting fat.

“At least we’re not as fat as the Americans” my ASS!

“But Keyser,” you ask! “Is being fat really subversive?” And to that, I say brush the doughnut crumbs off your third chin and listen up. We managed to oust Mubarak and Morsi by getting off our fat asses and doing something. You put food on the table by getting off your fat ass and working. We improve tourism by getting off our fat asses and going to the beach (I think?). Meaning that the fatter you are, the more sedentary you are and therefore, the more you detract from our economy/culture/general standing in the world. 

Pictured: Us, in the metaphorical playground of life.

Now, contrast that with journalists. They run around all day grabbing quotes and investigating stories. They stay up late, running on nothing but coffee and barely get any sleep. They’re bags of skin and bones. They’re not contributing to our obesity epidemic. In fact, if you want to get all factual about it, one of their aired documentaries was about sheep farming. Sheep=mutton=protein=healthy, while you’re reading this waiting for 7pm and your nightly basbousa platter. Fatty.

So yeah, I guess let’s execute fat people? Or at least jail them. Come on, it’s not like they wouldn’t thank you for the free diet.

2. Snowfall

As many of you know, we had snow for the first time in forever earlier this year. That was great, we had fun, it was all light-hearted and carefree and shit, cool.

But did you know that it was all a US plot?

Heavens no!

Yes sir, prepare your mind for maximum blowage. According to the esteemed news journal, unusual snowfall is a sure-fire sign of tampering by a more advanced nation. They posit that certain chemical agents are used to mess with the weather, kill trees and destroy grassland, as well as create artificial traffic jams because…profit? I’m honestly not seeing a motive here. They beg us to “not forget the freezing ice-nucleation patents dating back to the 1970's, and laser (EMF) technology.”

Because apparently to these people, the Batman and Robin movie was a documentary.

So let’s jail the weather!

1. These Stalinesque kangaroo courts that only serve to cement the notion that we’ve become some sort of Orwellian dystopia where accountability is extinct.

I think we might need a new PR guy.