Friday June 14th, 2024
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All Options are Open

Morsi's speech last night reiterated the "all options are open" stance the government has taken regarding the Ethiopian dam situation. For once, we agree and we have our own options for them...

Staff Writer

All Options are Open

President Morsi gave a speech last night regarding Ethiopia’s Renaissance Dam, emphasising that the government will do anything to protect Egypt’s interests. “All options are open,” they said but there are so many dam opinions on what to do if Egyptian water is affected, that the concern growing among us is, this time, legitimate.

We at CairoScene agree with Morsi for once and we want to help the guy out with a few suggestions on how we can resolve the situation with Ethiopia now that “all options are open.” Dialogue and military threats are all fine and dandy, but if we really want to fix things we have to be a bit more creative: 

Revitalise Culture:

We have never met anyone who doesn’t like to dance, so why not settle this dispute with an all out Step-Up style dance off? We think that the Ethiopians may be one up on us on this one, but we are sure that we can put a good shimmy to their powerful booty bounces any day.

Keep it Contemporary:

What better way to pay homage the greatest show on television than to mirror it in one of our decision-making practices? We suggest that Egypt and Ethiopia each nominate a champion for a single battle fight to the death a la Game of Thrones. 

Give 'Em a Song:

There is no better way to bring people together to laugh and have fun than by karaoke. Picture it now: massive screens with the 80s hair band lyrics rolling across. What could be better than that? Dialogue? Pshhht.

Emphasise the Importance of Iconic Sites:

We appreciate history as much as the next guy, and what is more iconic than Tahrir Square? We could all go down to the midan, put chairs all around the roundabout and play a proper game of musical chairs. Whoever’s booty is left on the last chair decides on whether the dam stays or goes.

Get Social:

Nothing gets more attention than a full on Twitter war. We want people to understand and recognise how great our culture is and how we have kept up with the times while still preserving our heritage and it doesn’t better than a 140 character hieroglyphic tweet-off! Each contestant must best tweet why he thinks he should/should not have the dam and why. Alternatively, mass-inviting Facebook friend to join your cause and seeing which country has the most likes works well too. 

Peaceful Assertion of Power:

We think that Ethiopia needs a big time out. She needs to sit in a corner and think about what it is she has done. When she’s ready to say sorry, we’re ready to listen, but only if she says it nicely.

Keep it Simple:

We don’t know why we’re working ourselves up with all these complicated suggestions. Let’s face it; most of them are not realistic. Let’s keep it simple and do it old school. It's rock, paper, scissors to settle this dispute.