Friday March 29th, 2024
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Defenses of Morsi’s Legal Team

The ever-generous Keyser Barbatoze goes through the top five strategies Morsi's legal team are using to prove his innocence.

Staff Writer

Since the summer, we’ve wondered what’s become of our dear ex-President (2.0). Is he dead in a shallow grave somewhere? Is he in the same luxurious mansion as Hosni, awkwardly avoiding small talk when he makes coffee in the morning? Is he living large in our dear sister nation of Pakistan?

No wonder he was so shit at everything; this alien device is obviously extracting his brain.

Well, wonder no more. I, Keyser Barbatoze, have managed to get myself onto Morsi’s legal defense team. It was pretty easy actually; they asked me if I knew anything about the law and I told them that a) I once read ten pages of a John Grisham novel and b) I live five minutes from Cairo University. Here are the top strategies we’re using to try to get our dear leader off the hook.

He’s Innocent Because:

5- Israel Did It

We figure this is the first thing we need to throw out there. As many of you may know, Egyptian courtrooms are less witty Harvey Specter one-liners and more WWE Smackdown (Men in Robes Edition).

Pictured: Esteemed legal counsel and justice, apparently.

With the room packed with Morsi supporters and haters alike, odds are that if a massive brawl breaks out, the trial is going to be postponed a couple of years and Dear Leader goes back to living in opulence. What better way to light the ole revolutionary fire than give the people a common enemy?

That’s where Israel comes in. History shows we can blame them for literally anything, from bad weather to ‘spy storks’ (See entry #1 in my last article and holy shit people will actually believe anything if we say Israel did it).

I think it’s time to bring the perpetrators of this vile theft to justice.

Our folder for this defense is just one page that says, in 72-size bold “MENTION ISRAEL” because who needs logic when you’ve got an age-old nemesis?

4- It Was Like That When He Got Here

AKA The Bart Simpson Defense. The reasoning behind this defense plays to the mentality of every Egyptian across every generation that things were better before. It’s called the Golden Age Fallacy and everybody everywhere thinks the same thing. It’s a fallacy for a reason; the people who lived in our Golden Age thought life was better before then, ad infinitum, until someone somewhere legitimately believes we were better off in syphilis-ridden caves with a life expectancy of around 12. 

An elderly Bam-Bam, pictured here towards the end of his life with his fourth wife, Pebbles.

So we’re thinking of putting a spin on this to tell people that Morsi didn’t fuck shit up yo, shit was already mad wack son (sorry for the complicated legal lingo). Our notes go a little like this:

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Courtroom…remember when things were better? Remember the ferocity of Nasser in the face of war, or Sadat’s willingness to compromise to build a better Egypt for us all? Well, what the fuck did Hosni Mubarak do? He messed up, real bad, and let’s all remember that and absolutely nothing that came after, please.

3- He Couldn’t Have Done It (He Was At Badie’s House the Whole Time)

Our first two defenses are just opening salvos, designed to stir the emotions of the crowd and get them on our side. After that, the judges start asking for dumb stuff like “evidence” or “seriously, anything concrete that helps your client, guys.” So, tiresome as it is, we have to oblige. Now, y’all know who are bffs irl?

Niggas fo lyff xoxo

And, like any good OJ defense, you need an alibi. We intend to prove, through phone logs, MSN messenger history and occasionally risqué Snapchats, that Morsi was actually at Supreme Guide Badie’s house for the entire 368 days of his presidency, thereby making him totally not guilty of anything you guys, it was just an extended sleepover. It’s not totally outlandish; our Dear Leader was closer friends with a controversial religious figure than he had any right to be, and since Mohamed Badie is a moral and social figure of our community, there is absolutely no cause to question his testimony.

Oh, right. Well shit.

2- He’s Incompetent

If we’ve gotten this far and our previous attempts haven’t worked, we need to start making concessions. Like how you might totally admit that you’re the one who farted if it hides the awful truth: that you actually shat your pants. 

If someone’s making this face, run.

So, in our case, we’re going to go ahead and tell you that Morsi was incompetent. We’re going to tell you that you, the Egyptian people, picked a man informally known as the ‘Spare Tire’ who had no prior experience in running a goddam actual honest-to-god country and put him in charge of absolutely everything. Sure, he put his own name forward but you still picked him. 

Just like you got him all excited about space. You guys are such bullies.

The poor guy just wanted a taste of the good life and you gave him responsibilities that have driven much better men mad. Are you at all surprised he’s floundering? This rests squarely on your shoulders. The poor guy is a brainwashed Islamist extremist with atrocious English and a third-grade understanding of domestic politics and stately decorum.

He’s probably laughing because she said ‘pianist’ or something. The man’s a child.

This is the fictitious case we’re going to make in court. The sordid truth will, naturally, remain a secret. The supervillain hideout under Mokattam will be sealed off, the henchmen will get a decent compensation package and go home to their families and we’re not even going to mention the SuperWeapon.

All I’m going to say is, a concentrated koshary-particle compound ionised with a gamma isotope is one hell of a drug.

1- He’s a Minor (Or Two)

If the trial’s coming to an end and we’ve made no progress, we have no choice but to use PLAN X. What is that, you ask? Well it’s supposed to be super top-secret but you’re all trustworthy people, or so I feel. You reTweet and reFacebook and reWhatever my articles so you must like me and not want me dead in an underground Islamist prison.

The 5 Most Shocking Fashion No-No’s from Essam el-Erian’s Sex Dungeon

PLAN X is to tell the whole truth. Be forewarned, what you read may shock you or turn you on a little bit. I don’t know your life. Here goes…

There is no Mohamed Morsi. The project as we know it was conceived in the early 80’s by the CIA. Two young boys named Mohamed Barakat and Mostafa Morsi were injected with a serum that halted their growth. Extensive plastic surgery was applied to Barakat until he resembled the lovable monkey we know today. Finally, both children underwent strenuous athletic training and told their purpose: to sit on each other’s shoulders, wear a large coat and pass off as Mohamed Morsi, future President of Egypt. The plan was ambitious, yes, but their goal was a perfect servant, someone who would fulfill their every wish.

Every. Wish.

Our argument is that, obviously, these actions were perpetrated by young children under outside influence and, therefore, they cannot be persecuted. They’re just kids, no matter how scarred and brainwashed they are, and who could put two vulnerable kids in jail? #FreeMorsi!

Gaze upon the horrors that science created and have mercy on the poor victims of it all.