Friday May 24th, 2024
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How to Be a Terrorist in Egypt

Egypt's new anti-terrorism has garnered criticism from rights watchdogs worldwide. Here are five ways you could be branded a terrorist...

Staff Writer

How to Be a Terrorist in Egypt

A controversial anti-terror law currently being considered has sparked fury among human rights activists and the public in general. Many, including international rights watchdog Amnesty International, have called on the government to revise the bonkers legislation. On Friday a statement by the group said: "The draconian nature of this legislation, which flouts Egypt's obligations, suggests that it will pave the way to further clamp down on civil society and government opponents and critics, rather than tackling the threat of terrorism,"

In order to point just how absurd and, frankly, dangerous these new laws are, here are five things you which could see you branded a terrorist in Egypt:

Damaging National Unity: And what better way to turn neighbour against neighbour and father against son than supporting rival football teams? According to the new law this too could be considered terrorism against the state. So league football is out, along with any of those evil foreign sides leaving only the national side on the menu for football fans.

Damaging Natural Resources: See that pile of garbage burning in the street? Outright terrorism, according to the new law. Not bad in the eyes on many environmentalists...but really, death for garbage? That's rubbish.

Aiming to hinder anybodys work of judicial, regional and international bodies and diplomatic and consular missions in Egypt: Stuck in traffic again and afraid yo're going to be late for work, subsequently leading to your dismissal and ultimately leaving you on the street selling tissues? Well how's about an even more stressful notion - YOU could be a terrorist, if the person in if the car behind you happens to be filled to the brim with UN observers. But, how to tell? Quick - run away just in case.

Any behaviour damaging financial systems: Have you just spent the last two hours on the phone to your bank? Are you now left with an urge to find your nearest branch and vent your rage? Well don't.

Damaging the national economy: Here in Egypt, we're a patriotic bunch but how many of us shit all over the Egyptian economy by funneling cash out of Egypt and into the hands of major international companies such as McDonalds and Pepsi? However thankfully the new legislation will ensure that anyone gobbling down a traitorous Big Mac will be getting a side of prison.