Thursday December 7th, 2023
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Is This White Guy a Spy?

Keyser Barbatoze gives us five sure-fire ways to figure out if that foreigner you just caught is actually spy.

Staff Writer

Gentlemen, our beloved country is under attack. If you’re following the news at all, you’ll know that Israel, al-Qaeda, Hamas, the United States, the IMF, the World Bank, the Bee Gees and Ryan Gosling all have spies within our ranks, looking to expose our secret to a successful revolution and our killer ta’ameya recipes. 

Protect this with your life.

So let’s assume, for arguments’ sake, you and your buddies have one of these suspected spies tied to a tree. How on Earth do you figure out if he’s legit? I’ve compiled some tips…

5-Speaking Arabic (or Not Speaking Arabic)

This one speaks for itself. Arabic is a goddamn hard language to learn. You spend six years learning an archaic set of incredibly complicated grammar rules and another six years learning all the inexplicable exceptions to those rules. So obviously, no one’s doing this for fun.

Maybe later we can do some multivariable calculus?

Why? That’s right, SPIES! (Yes, I am fully aware that is not an answer to ‘Why?’ Get off my back, imaginary readers). Spies who have spent the last decade infiltrating our society and learning to decipher our codes. If the man you’ve got tied to a tree is asking for rahma instead of ‘mercy’, keep whipping. He’s definitely a spy.

On the other hand, spies are smart. They play to win the long game. Revealing their Arabic-speaking skills to some guy with a stick would blow their cover. So if that man you’ve got tied to a tree swears that he’s some English teacher from Canada, he might still be a spy, only pretending. Maybe whip him just to be sure?

Gerunds? Sounds like spy-code. What does it mean, scum?

4-Being White (Or Being Tanned)

You know your brothers and sisters. Leathery brown skin, nicotine-stained yellow teeth, terrible posture. Egyptians are the same, and we love them. So when the spies appear among us, we know what to look for. Do they have a healthy red glow? SPIES! Can they wear beige without looking sickly? SPIES! Do they moisturise and floss regularly? SPIES!

The only thing more diabolical than their intentions are their healthy diets.

On the other hand, spies need to blend in, not stick out like a sore thumb. If a spy is truly dedicated, he’ll spend years learning to become yet another basbousa-stuffed face in the crowd. Rumor has it Mossad has spent billions outfitting an ‘Egypt-prep’ facility in Tel Aviv with Egyptian grandmothers (kitchens included), a blazing hot sun and an unlimited supply of Cleopatra cigarettes to breed the most convincing spies they can.

Cough like you mean it, Private Benhalim! The Egyptians will never fall for that!

3-Being Muscular (or Not Being Muscular)

Being a spy is a physically demanding job. There are roofs to jump off of, evil henchmen to punch to death, tuxedos to look good in...

…Other, endurance-requiring things…

Point being, any spies you catch are going to be rippling, beefy Adonises. And I don’t mean the big three: el bench, el bi wel tri. I mean actual, functional muscles, like athletes have. Muscles that give you the ability to rappel off rooftops instead of discs in your back. Back to tree-man; if he looks like he can flex through your ropes and tenderise your kofta blindfolded, tie him harder because SPIES!

On the other hand, this isn’t 1960’s-era Cold War Russia anymore and James Bond is an outdated caveman. Instead of kicking their way into high-class parties, spies e-kick their way through firewalls into data archives. Nowadays, they’re less Daniel Craig and more Adam Brody; pasty-faced computer nerds who can download terabytes of classified data from the comfort of their masturbation centers.

Or ‘computers’, to you less tech-savvy types.

Musculature isn’t required for high-tech spy work; hell, grossly over-steroided hands might even be detrimental to all the frenzied nonsensical typing that TV has taught us is hacking. If tree-guy looks like he needs a good bullying, keep whipping. 

Even if he wasn’t a spy. Ugh, what a nerd, right?

2-Owns Cameras, Mobile Phones, or Other Electronic Devices

If you had to give Pierce Brosnan’s Bond one adjective other than ‘stunningly handsome,’ what would it be? Without a doubt, all of you said ‘gadgety’ even though that isn’t even a word, or else you’re wrong. Gadgets are the only things separating spies from…good-looking people who know kung fu? 

Collin Farrell + invisible car = ???

So take a minute, right now, and go through tree-man’s pockets. Done? You sick kleptomaniac. Now what have you turned up, electronics wise? Is it a camera? The spy’s photographing defense installations and stuff. Mobile phone? It’s probably encrypted, to contact ‘home base’ and relay all that important shit he’s seen. Bluetooth headset? Your spy is a massive douchebag. A pager? Definitely a spy, but possibly still operating under the assumption that WWI is still in action and the Kaiser is eagerly awaiting his intel.

This woodcut needs to get to Berlin, stat! Find a horse!

In any case, electronics=espionage. That’s basic. Or is it?

On the other hand: Nope, that’s pretty much it. If your spy is wielding anything that can connect to a charger, the Internet, or a pair of headphones, keep on exercising that whipping arm.

1-Fins, Tails, Bill, or Other Suspicious Appendages

You’ve hit the motherload! Everyone and their grandmother knows that our enemies have resorted to recruiting agents of Mother Nature as their infernal undercover operatives. After the remote controlled sharks…

This was a story in an Archie comic and also an actual headline.

…and the spy storks…

An actual thing. This was an actual thing that people paid money to put on paper and distribute.

If you’ve managed to trap some sort of spy animal, your reward will no doubt be beyond your wildest dreams. There is no other explanation for why this aquatic mammal (or whatever animal you’ve captured) is tied to that tree right now. The enemy will try to lead you astray with lies like “scientific tracking” and “migration patterns” for the electronics they attach to their familiars, but don’t buy it. You- the one with a shark tied to a tree- are definitely the sane one here. 

Sane as the guy who came up with the spy-shark story. This guy, probably.

On the other hand: Maybe you’re just a fucking retard. Release the poor white man, put the ‘spy’ cat down and stop watching so much Rambo.