Wednesday 30 of November, 2022
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There are lots of things worth protesting. Neon is just one of them.

Staff Writer

It’s been a difficult time for my denial. It all started with that movie trailer. I think we proved everyone’s point by burning fast food restaurants and yelling about things. Or something. I still don’t understand the whole story. My logic keeps getting in the way. In equally pressing news, the iPhone 5 came out, resulting in Twitter and Facebook turning completely schizo. It was like one personality was an OCD hipster and the other an activist that wears scarves. Two things I avoid like the plague. Also the word Muslim and iOS6 mean the same thing in my mind right now. It was a beleaguering time. Why is everything such a big deal? This is all happening because of a trailer? Not even the whole movie? Have we abandoned logic completely? Does the new iPhone have buttons?

Then my Alma Mater, AUC, decided to hold protests too. You know, because that’s all the rage and AUC can never pass up on pretending to be in touch with reality. Back in the day, I would either not go at all or walk to class flicking cigarette butts at protestors in their “peaceful sit-ins.” This memory upsets me, because it reminds me I’ve been dealing with angry Arabs for a decade.

Not that I have a problem with protests – or angry Arabs. We’ve got a lot to be angry about. I am all for power to the people. It’s what everyone is so offended by that offends me. Does that make sense? There is a lot more to complain about in this country and I would love if you joined me in my plight:

Illustration by Hassan Hassan

- All this fucking garbage everywhere. I have made peace with the nasty buildings. After years you don’t notice. But what the fuck is going on with the garbage? It is literally on every street corner. The sidewalks are made of garbage. The streets have this constant stench of piss and three day old kebda. Unite and make something happen. Is there a Ministry of Garbage? Let’s clean up and go dump it all there. I’m just kidding. Let’s make a Facebook event and pretend we went.

- Are there sidewalks in this country?

- Fuck sidewalks, do we have enough electricity?

- Microbuses.

- The 45 minute assembly schools have every morning. At least the one in front of my house. They sing the first part of the national anthem and literally mumble the rest of it. I guarantee you only 1% of the population knows anything beyond the first verse. If that was it, I’d shut up and go back to sleep. But then someone (I’m assuming it’s the principal. Do they have principals here?) screams obscenities and tells the kids to stay in line. These twenty minutes are seriously where Egyptians learn to yell and swear. After this cruel and unusual punishment, we have to hear them scream ALLAHUAKBAR seven million times, before screaming TAHYA MASReight million times. It’s really not a good scene. Ever. But it is made significantly worse by the fact that it all goes down at 8am. Stop it. Teach them something. Please.

- Call tones. As if waiting for someone to pick up wasn’t enough.

- While we’re talking about education, can I just say that it’s all fun and games when you’re kicking these kids in the street or yelling at them for being obnoxious little creeps, but these kids are the future. One day these are going to be obnoxious adult creeps. Ya Mama.

- Your mama jokes.

- Madonna.

- Hospitals. I just hope I am never sick. That’s all I’m saying.

- Fusion. As a word and a concept.

- Neon. You’re doing it wrong, so stop.

Sumaya El Khasab. Also everyone else involved in that scene. There’s so much to work with on this one. Just imagine the signs.

- Groping. Let’s all hang out in massive groups for a couple of hours knowing that no women will be groped and all the men will control themselves at the sight of blonde hair. In that time, can we also talk about birth control and how the last thing the world needs is more Egyptians?

- Fireworks. What are you celebrating? In these volatile times, anything that sounds like a gunshot is a bad idea/generally tiresome.

- Protests.


For more of Hassan Hassan’s writing and art check out and follow him @h_hassan