Friday 2 of December, 2022
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Put Your Best Breast Forward

For those of you that missed Prime Minister Hisham Kandil’s fascinating speech yesterday, we thought that we would take it upon ourselves to enlighten you.

Staff Writer

His speech began with the standard fluff about duty, country, and the economy (which you can watch below), but we’ll skip all that bullshit and get straight to the good stuff.

One of the stand-out moments of the bumbling speech was when the PM pointed out that he was 99% sure that Hamada Saber (victim of the infamous nude-dragging incident) probably didn’t pay his water and electricity bills. If that was some kind of a thinly-veiled (and totally distasteful) warning, we have reason to worry: we’re 99% sure that most of the CairoScene team haven’t paid their phone bills.

The real shocker came when the ever-so-tactful Kandil addressed national poverty, underdevelopment and illiteracy issues with his first hand experience in Beni Suef. It went something like this: “Ladies, mothers, please, we urge you to properly clean your nipples before breastfeeding! The resulting diarrhea is the root cause for all evil in the country.” Seriously. How come WE didn’t think of that?

As a result of this extremely well-thought out speech, and the invaluable information we, as a nation, got from it, the CairoScenesters have come up with a few job suggestions for Kandil, since politician isn’t quite working out for him:

1) Midwife – for his expert advice on all things nipples/breastfeeding/feminine hygiene-related.

2) Fatafeat Chef – for his ability to really connect with Egyptian housewives.

3)Minister of Healthcare – It’s about time someone set up a Nipple Cleanliness Committee.

4) Author of Colostrum: Development and the Deep State – because everyone knows breast milk and politics are intrinsically connected.

5) Bra-designer – Since he has no shame in telling women what to do with their breasts.

These are just a few ideas off the top of our heads but, in the words of our dear PM, “Ana mesh 3aref bas mota2aked.