Tuesday December 5th, 2023
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Dec 05,2023


By now, everyone has started to absorb the news that we are now the Islamic Republic of Egypt.

Staff Writer

To put it in layman’s terms, Morsi has rid himself of Tantawi and Annan, removed their amendment and declared a new article on the constitution, meaning he now has more power than a bamia (as previously stated). Instead, he has equal powers as the Dictator of the Republic of Wadiya.

Now we are past the difficult political analyst bit, I’d like to introduce my theory – the seven stages of Morsi-related news:

1) Shock and Denial

What? Fuck you Twitter, it’s not true! Omak ya Facebook; Ahram you can suck my SCAF; it’s not true! This is just a dream. I am on a beach, there is a vodka in my hand and MB means More Belvedere .

2) Guilt and Pain

I should have voted Shafik from round one. Oh God it hurts, everything hurts. (This is often accompanied by curling up in the foetal position as tears slowly flow). Is this what it feels like to die?!

3) Anger

Fuck this shit, I am arming myself and heading to the streets! I will get back this country by myself!! (Heads to the kitchen and arms oneself with a fork).

4) Reflection and loneliness

I feel so alone, how could this have happened? I’m too pretty to grow a beard. No one understands me. (You’ll probably be imagining yourself in a movie montage, standing still while the world passes by in fast-motion)

5) The Turn

You know what? I am better than this. So what? It is not exactly like I am Tantawi and frankly I don’t even know who Annan really is. I can get through this. (Try listening to Alanis Morissette’sIronic, changing the words to “It’s like 10,000 Ikhwans, when all you need is a Liberal”).

6) Rebuilding and Hope

Everything will be OK, we are proud Egyptians. At least now Morsi is accountable and frankly hedoes look like a chipmunk and that’s not scary. Who knows? Maybe August 24th will be the start of us telling these guys  that we won’t accept another dictator. (Do a Rocky-style victory run for added affect).

7) Joy and Love

Everything is bloody great! (You’ll probably only reach this phase with the help of your hash dealer).