The Untold Story of Politicians

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Do you know what that sound is? That’s the sound that my finger has been making on the keyboard, not for the last couple of hours, but for the last couple of days.  It’s not because I have nothing to say, (HA! that’s a laugh!), but because I promised myself that no matter what happened, I was not going to, in a million years, even DARE  to think about speaking about the current political situation…

Of course, according to the law of ‘Mental Constipation’, naturally I have not been able to think of anything else. Every time, I have tried to formulate a sentence, I have found myself thrown into convulsions and spasms of anger that have made me incapable of starting any sentence without beginning it with, “WHAT THE FUCK  IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE???!!” Even people with Tourette’s Syndrome are like, “Is that bitch alright?”

Don’t worry, I’m fine…as fine as anyone can be these days, I suppose. But seriously…WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE???!!

I just want to say that growing up, I hated politics! I wouldn’t have gotten involved in a political discussion if you had paid me. For me, politics was like porn: addictive even though sometimes, you had no idea what the hell you were watching or why you were watching it! Naturally, with my aversion to governments, I was gently encouraged to pursue a career in politics. I don’t remember much of how I responded to these kinds of suggestions but, in my head, I remember myself turning into a strong African-American woman and saying stuff like “Girl, Imma say this once and then I ain’t sayin’ it again…HELL TO THE NO! Have I made myself understood?” *lip pout*

I mean, I loved learning about the ideologies and the psychological and sociological patterns that form the framework of what it takes to be able to run this shit we call society. However, seeing the practical application of these ideologies in real life made (and still makes) me automatically vomit in my mouth and, as we all know, there are only so many times a person can regurgitate involuntarily until they accidentally end up choking to death on their own sick, so I’ve consciously chosen to keep away from it altogether.

And yet…here I am. About to talk about politics…and that’s how you know things have really hit the shitter.

I will admit this. It is virtually impossible to live in a country (and a world) where everything is being overturned and changes are happening everywhere, and not know what is going on or not have an opinion. Even if you choose to be blasé about it and figure that, as long as Versace don’t decide to discontinue that lipstick shade or that perfume you love so much, all shall be well with the world, there are certain things that you hear these days that you can’t help but react to.

When politicians who, theoretically, should be able to read and write, (at least in their spare time or something…gosh give them a crayon for God’s sake!) go out and say shit like“They misunderestimated me” (Yes, of course that was George Dumbass Bush…I’m surprised my spell-check didn’t send a command to headquarters to hunt me down and torture me with an anal probe when I typed that up…how that man got elected for two terms, I’ll never know!), you simply cannot help but feel like the big, pulsating vein in your forehead is slowly developing into an extra middle finger that you will be able to use long after the two middle fingers that you have on your hands have shriveled up and become arthritic from overuse. Due to recent events, I am unleashing the BITCH within and I am letting her get political so you know this is going to get really politically incorrect.

Now before you think that things are only fucked up in Egypt, I just want to say, all politicians are fuckers, everywhere you go.  I have, as a result, introduced a ‘Hall of Fame’ so I can respond, as eloquently as my growing psychosomatic speech disorder will allow me, to some of the most blatantly retarded statements that politicians in America and Egypt have made over the last few years.

Drum roll, if you please…

No. 5

Michele Bachmann, Republican from the US House of Representatives, said in 2009:

“Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.”

Dear Michele,

You are a moron. How they even let you brush your teeth without supervision is beyond me. I know the things you learned at elementary school are hard to remember sometimes, particularly when you are losing so many brain-cells trying to make sure people don’t find out that you were the muse behind the movie Mars Attacks. Don’t worry though because I think my twelve-year old sister can part with her seventh grade science book long enough to help you out with this one. Here’s what I suggest (because I have a feeling you’re going to have a little trouble reading): have someone from your sorority hook you up to a carbon dioxide machine for about ten minutes or so and then we can decide for ourselves which is more harmful to the human being: exposure to carbon dioxide for prolonged periods of time, or being subjected to your invaluable pearls of wisdom.

No.4

Sarah Palin, Republican Party nominee for Vice President in the 2008 US Elections, said at a motorcycle rally in 2011:

“I love that smell of the emissions!”

Dear Sarah,

I think you and Michele must’ve gone to the same school. Do me a favor and consciously avoid each other. If you two are ever under the same roof, I have a feeling that the world will promptly implode. There aren’t enough brain cells between the two of you to constitute the brain of a koala bear.

No. 3

Todd Akin, Republican from the US House of Representatives, when asked about whether abortion should be made legal in the case of pregnancy caused by rape, earlier this year said:

“Well you know, people always want to try to make that as one of those things, well how do you, how do you slice this particularly tough sort of ethical question. First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Hey Todd,

Oh Todd.  So many questions come to mind. Honestly, I don’t know whether to feel sorry for you or castrate you. Firstly, who are these doctors? Are they chimps? And also, have you ever seen a woman in real life or are they merely mythical creatures from your secret stash of Playboy magazines?

Todd, darling, the body of a woman is not a PC; it does not ‘shut the whole thing down’ when there is an error in the system, particularly when that error happens to be sperm being ejaculated by a penis that had no business being anywhere near the woman in the first place. I know it’s hard to believe, but we don’t have a Control-Alt-Delete command trigger that we’re secretly keeping from you. I suggest you take a year away from politics and spend some time ‘troubleshooting’ (you see? I’m speaking your language now…) that thing in your head that shut itself down many years ago. If you do that, then maybe one day, if you really believe, your lifelong dream of seeing a real-life woman may actually come true.

No. 2

Rick Santorum, Republican (duh!?) and Ex-Senator, said while speaking in Michigan earlier this year:

“President Obama wants everybody in America to go to college. What a snob … Oh, I understand why he wants you to go to college. He wants to remake you in his image.”

Dear Rick,

Thank you. You are so refreshing. There are, indeed, very few politicians these days who have the balls to come right out and talk about the disadvantages of education. I mean, who the hell would aspire to be someone like Obama anyway when you are leading such a great example? Sir, you’re right. Now, if only your contemporaries would get themselves together and start campaigning for the return of slavery and the genocide of inferior races, then we could really get some work done. Oh, and as for the role of women? I don’t think they should be allowed out of the kitchen. In fact, they shouldn’t be allowed to do anything but cook, clean and suck your dick. Glad we’re not snobs and bigots like that fucker Obama.

No. 1

Egyptian President, Mohammed Morsi, recently sat down with TIME magazine and in a single sitting managed to enlighten the world with the following gems:

Regarding correcting previous wrongs made by the last administration:  “It takes time. So speed is low, acceleration is high.” (Dear Mr. President…Do you even know the difference between speed and acceleration? If your acceleration is high and your speed isn’t growing, then you might as well just stop moving altogether. Are you high? Are you high on speed?)

“Conflict does not lead to stability in the world. Cooperation [does]. How can we do that? It’s a struggle. It’s a very, very difficult struggle.”  (Um….isn’t conflict the heart of struggle? Is anyone else hearing this or is it just me? My Tourette’s is going to kick in very soon…someone calm the bitch down!)
“To have a new culture, international culture, respecting individual countries and people’s cultures, their local ones. But can we have an international culture? Can we do that?” (Were you aware that people could hear you at this point? Is this a new rap song you’re authoring? Have you contacted Pitbull yet?)

“I remember a movie. Which one? Planet of the Apes.”(Classic case of multiple personality disorder…Excuse me sir, I don’t want to alarm you, but who are you talking to? I do agree though. Planet of the Apes is very relevant and important to the current political situation in Egypt. I’m happy you found the time to touch upon that.)

“What I can see now is, the Egyptians are free…but it’s my responsibility. I see things more than they do. I think you have seen the most recent opinion surveys—I think more than 80%, around 90%, of the people in Egypt are, according to these opinion measures, they are with what I have done.” (I really can’t comment…I can’t…Tourette’s is taking over….WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE???!!!)

What opinion measures? Where did they come from? How does that even work? If you “see things more” than us, why don’t you share what you know with us so we can make up our minds whether or not to support you and make an informed decision accordingly. Instead, you sound like Professor Trelawney from Harry Potter who can see the future in her crystal ball and to be honest, I’m just waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out and scream in my face ‘YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D, BITCH!!’

Okay, that’s it….no more. I can’t do this any further. My eyes are red, my fingers hurt from typing furiously, my keyboard keys are starting to pop out of place and I’ve, generally speaking, lost the will to live. If these are the people running the world, I don’t really know where we can go from here or where the silver lining is. I will leave you with a quote, as I always do. It’s the only one I can think of, that sums up how politics are run these days.

“I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman,”- Arnold Schwarzenegger

I rest my case.