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Ukraine - Russia for Dummies

Kurt Galalah explains the situation in Eastern Europe in a few easy steps, and a few great GIFs.

In recent times there has been much confusion over what exactly is going on in Ukraine so to clear up any misgivings here's the CairoScene guide to the Ukraine and Russia Almost War.

First thing you need to know is that Ukraine has this super important port - Sevastopol - on the Eastern side of the country.

It's in Ukraine, so the Russians have to pay rent. It’s not usually a problem. People don't care too much. BUT... Recently, there was an uprising in Ukraine, and the parliament found the president unable to fulfill his duties and set a date for elections for a new president. Problem is, the old president of Ukraine LIKED RUSSIA. He was like, "Hell yeah! I enjoy the company of my Russian comrades!"

Things have changed and Russia is afraid they will lose the port, come the election of a new president. Vladamir Putin is worried.

Putin realises that he can apply pressure, as though Ukraine is a whiny little girl that needs to get over it.

He presses Ukraine with the Russian military, which is huge. He has troops in Crimea, a section of Ukraine largely made-up of ethnic Russians.

Now, he knows that this is a risky move, because it is, but it doesn't matter! He has weighed up the options and frankly he doesn't care.

Putin loses a little face in international circles (particularly from the US, who are supporting the new Ukrainian government) but in the grander scheme of things, it doesn't matter that much.

There's no opposition to him in Russia due to national pride and...other reasons.

Also, he has a 'keen interest' in the media, able to make sure all press is good press. 

Countries aren't friends. They are businesses with one goal. Thus, Russia has decided to attempt a hostile takeover of Ukraine.

People are angry, but overall, it's no big deal - just one big penis measurement contest between superpowers.