Arab Boyfriends & Hairy Balls

Dear Mr.Mosh-Killa,
I have been following your column for some time and have to say you give wicked advice. So many of your answers have helped me in my own personal troubles... Are you single?
Cheers,
B

Yes I am and I am flattered, but unfortunately I cannot follow my own advice. I am an emotional wreck, still compulsively obsessed with my ex-girlfriend and stuck in a 9-5 job. I spend my spare time making experimental black and white movies using my kitchen condiments. I only have an empty salt shaker in the shape of a bird and an expired bottle of Coleman’s mustard, which means the plots are pretty dire to say the least. I kick people in my sleep and believe that a woman’s only purpose is fellatio and cooking. If you still want a date I don’t mind but please bring hot sauce. Thanks.

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Dear Mr.Mosh-Killa,
I have been super stressed out lately and need some way to escape. I have a really hectic job so can't veer to far from the path but must unwind somehow. Sick of the same thing day-to-day and Cairo is losing its appeal… Help!
Regards,
Jacob

Ah yes, the famous modern day life conundrum! You work to get money to be free until your old and have spent your whole life in front of a computer having not lived a minute of it. You only have one life, but you can have several lifestyles. If you’re bored just get up and go. There’s nothing stopping you accept maybe fear and or an abusive boss. Have an adventure! Yeah, your adventure will probably end up with you working in a rundown café or selling crack on some corner, but fuck it! At least you’ll be living!

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Dear Mr.Mosh-Killa,
I have been finding it hard to cope with the ever explosive mood of my Egyptian boyfriend. I know Arab men expect a certain degree of obedience... But as a white girl it’s hard to listen to my parents let alone a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, he is a prince most of the time but it’s always things I consider silly that he seems to pick a fight over. How do I breeze past what I would consider to be frivolous matters without unleashing his temper and still keep my independence? 
Thanks in advance,
Jenny

This is a typical situation I see in Egypt: beautiful blonde steps off the plane with the exotic hope of running into their very own Aladdin, and the Egyptian man wants to live out his BlayPoy dreams. They settle for the first idea of the fantasy they lay eyes on and get together, not knowing it will be more Beauty & The Beast than the epic romance they imagine.  Exaggerate where you’re coming from: explain to your boyfriend that back in the West any one can just sleep with anyone , skirts that start and end at their belly button are normal, and it’s okay for a woman to pay the bill. Alright, maybe this isn’t an exaggeration but still, show him he’s lucky for you to be so conservative in comparison. And if he hits you, well, until he covers you and tells you that you can’t drive, at least know that he’s being more conservative than his friends in the East. And that my friend, is called compromise.

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Mr. Mosh-Killa,
I’m heading to Gouna for Easter. What do you suggest I do in terms of “male grooming”?
Adham

Well for starters, for Egyptian girls, Gouna is the only place they can let loose like they’ve seen in all those MTV Spring Break shows, not to mention that Easter is Spring Break time, so that means shave your balls. I know, I know, it sounds weird but trust me it does make it seem bigger, and no girl wants Whoopee Goldberg in her mouth. Secondly, the armpit hair. It doesn’t make you look like a man, it makes you look like the man who sits at home on his arm chair, with a bucket of KFC watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Thirdly, regular hair. Keep it natural, no seshwar, and no gel. You’re going to be around a lot of water, it will start getting suspicious if you never get in or you take multiple trips to the bathroom to dollop on a pile of gel after every dip.

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on info@cairoscene.com or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla