Babies, Beards & Boyfriends

Mr. Mosh-Killa,
It’s hot in the morning it’s cold at night. What I do? 
Yasmine

Umm.. Welll.. What you need to do is…. ummm. I don’t really like… knoww…umm. Okay here it goes: the earth rotates fully once during the day (24 hours). The Earth revolves around the Sun. The Sun is proper hot. When the Earth is facing the sun some of us get hot. When it is not, some of us get cold. Brrrrr. That’s it, like, not really much you can do about that Yasmine, I’m really sorry.

**************

Hi,
My boyfriend just proposed but his mother is a fucking psycho and she hates me. Should I accept his proposal?
L.

It is true that in Egypt, when you marry someone, you’re marrying their whole family. If there’s one thing I learnt from watching ten minutes of Meet The Fockers, it’s that you have to find some kind of common ground with the mother-in-law and the one thing you’re always going to have in common is her son and your potential hubby. Next time you’re all sat in a room together, poke fun at your boyfriend like, “Ooh doesn’t he have such a small willy?” or “Ooh he really can’t take his drink, can he? He puked evvverywhere last night! The mother will love this and join in on the fun.

**************

Mr. M-K,
I really want to grow a big, fashionable beard. How can I grown one without being accused of being a member of the Brotherhood?
Ahmed 

Well as a beard aficionado myself, I too have fought with the same facial conundrum and I found the key is to trans-mutate into an Ikhipster. Part hipster, part Ikhwan. The important thing here is to get the ratio just right. Once your beard has grown a full centimetre, start posting obscure band music on your wall. Another centimetre, get a tattoo behind your ear of a couple of doves or maybe a lyric from the previously mentioned obscure band.  Once your beard has reached Gandalf levels, become vegan and constantly wear fat black shades to compliment the beard. No one will think you’re Ikhwan but they may well think you’re a dick.

**************

Hello,
My nanny really loves my baby, she’s really attached and I’m worried one day she’s going to steal it. What do I do?
Eman

Ooh that’s not good at all. The best thing you can do is offer your baby for sale to her. At least you’ll make a profit.

Send in your dilemmas for Mr. Mosh-Killa on info@cairoscene.com or tweet @MrMoshKilla