Friday June 14th, 2024
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Breaking: Rihanna Missing

With the sudden disappearance of Rihanna's popular Instagram account (we only bought iPhones to follow her), we have a few theories as to what might have happened to her fabulously bad-ass photojournal...

Staff Writer

Breaking: Rihanna Missing

The world as we know it has ended for anyone who is a Rihanna Instagram follower (I.E everyone). Earlier today, with no warning, Rihanna's Instagram account seemingly disappeared. We aren't exactly sure what you will do without your daily dose of sexy Rihanna photos. Clearly upset, we here at CairoScene have decided to launch a full investigation, and have compiled a list of conspiracy theories behind the whereabouts of her highly addictive account.

The first theory we have is that Rihanna was simply too sexy for Instagram. Recently Rihanna uploaded nude photos of herself that quickly went viral as she wore nothing but tan lines, which were quickly removed by Instagram for violating terms. This may have led to Instagram shutting down her account, or quite possibly realising that she couldn't outdo her sexy photos, Rihanna herself dismantled her account on what was clearly her sexiest high point.

Another theory surfacing in our investigation is that Rihanna excessively smokes weed on Instagram. Its disappearance could possibly be at the hands the powerful pharmaceutical drug lobby that have suffered devastating losses from teens following her example of smoking weed instead of taking pain killers. It's that or other her account is so high it doesn't know where it is.

Another theory floating around the Arab world is that one of the Arab's that stole her look, took offence to being called a bitch and exacted revenge by stealing her Instagram account.

With the news spreading of her disappearance, we point the finger at former love interests. Perhaps it was Chris Brown, whose career never fully recovered after the world found out he used to physically beat her. With his career plummeting he may have hired hackers to dismantle her account in a fit of jealousy. If this is true, we expect to be hearing very soon from either Anonymous or the Syrian Electronic Army to publicly take credit for the attack. Or perhaps it was Drake, who recently Rihanna compared to Chris Brown on Twitter. Fearing the same fate as Chris Brown, we theorise that Drake thought the comment was Too Much, and instead of Starting from the Bottom again, decided to make sure she's Going Home.

Although Eminem has never been romantically involved with Rihanna, the rapper's lyrics provides all the evidence one needs for an open and shut case. Perhaps he didn't in fact love the way Rihanna lied, and the resulting argument lead her to the same fate as Dido.

As it stands the official statement released by Instagram saying "This account was mistakenly caught in one of our automated systems and very briefly disabled. We apologise for any inconvenience." However, if you check Instagram right now there will be no evidence of her whereabouts. So until further notice these are the theories we are sticking with.