Saturday 10 of December, 2022
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There's a certain artistry to total mental despair.

Staff Writer

Breakdowns are the new black. This wasn't the case three years ago, but something about adulthood is really stressful, specifically in Egypt. So I have been doing this thing where I have a breakdown every once in a while. My panic stems mainly from the fact that I’ve put any major decisions off until we know something RE: The End of the World. It’s like why spend all of this time worrying about my future when it’s pretty much fucked either way?

That doesn’t mean I don’t have to get through the drudgery/stress/suicidal instincts of everyday life. Like everyone, I have had to work on a few coping mechanisms. These are the glue to my denial and dwindling sanity. People underestimate exactly how much time, effort and energy it takes to not kill everyone I know throughout my day. Or even just have a conversation without being a complete cunt. So in public, I do my best to remain controlled, calm and collected. Composed. In order to do my bit for Egypt, here are some of the things that keep me going:

Drinking. Baileys in your coffee works wonders for your psyche.

Tyra Banks. This video makes me happy.

Articles about Lana Del Rey that make me feel like I am well balanced, at least more than this obsessive writer.

Sob showers.

Lana Del Rey. I don’t know how I feel about her. I go from being obsessed to hating her to wanting to punch her in the mouth. This doesn’t stop me from listening to her new album and smoking cigarettes and being depressed.

Reading the constitution, but pretending they’re rap lyrics. Feel free to include some Beyonce trills every now and then.

Dog grooming videos. These really relax me, as does my dog. Henry (the dog) has become my one source of happiness. Having someone to interact with that doesn’t respond is like the best relationship you can have. They only want like two things; food or cuddles. Two things that are super easy to provide. So go buy or adopt one or something.

Putting on a really big cardigan and sitting on a stool smoking while listening to Kurt Cobain on repeat (the dog really enjoys watching this).

Doing this for a few hours:

I loved The Help. I watched it on a plane back from somewhere and I was so upset to be leaving wherever I was (foreign countries remain a concept I don’t speak of when in Egypt) and I had like six moments sitting next to an Australian guy because it was so sad. He was very disturbed. My point is, Octavia Spencer is brilliant, but these gifs give me solace in a world gone wrong (5,6 and 7 are my favourite).

Hating Christina Aguilera on The Voice. Britney Spears is too tired to hate/ogle at. It’s like she’s just dead and they’ve propped her up and her dad controls her with a remote. Xtina doesthis and I hate/love/I’m obsessed with her for it. WHY IS SHE DOING THIS TO HERSELF? WHY?

Lindsay Lohan. I can’t even begin… This video is really dark and I have found myself watching it over and over and over at 3am and then thanking God repeatedly. Do the same.

You’re welcome.