Sunday 4 of December, 2022
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Grow the Fuck Up

Sometimes you need a harsh dose of reality. You’re welcome.

Staff Writer

Hi Mr Mosh-Killa,
I’m 17 and I’ve known this guy for a long time but we only started talking last month. My first question is: can people fall in love in just two weeks? Plus, I don’t want to date just for the sake of dating, I want my next to be my last so, my second question is: how doI know if he’s the one? And what should I look for in the one I want to marry?

For starters, you’re 17 and you’ve obviously seen too many Disney movies recently. You are too young to be thinking of marriage: marriage is a convoluted invention and, unless you’re one in a trillion and have met your actual soulmate, it goes against our human nature to be monogamous and procreate. You’ve clearly never seen the uncut version of Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs.

Anyway, you can’t put any sort of time restrictions on love. Love at first sight is real and whether you’ve known the other person for one second or one year or you saw them once walking down the catwalk at a Victoria’s Secret show, the chemical reaction your body goes through is the same.

Lastly, the thing about love is: it hits you when you least expect it; when you’re not looking. So go on dates, have fun and meet new guys without putting labels or pressure on yourself or them. You’ll find yourself enjoying life a lot more and not depending on guys for your enjoyment. When the time comes and you want to settle down (fuck knows why), you’ll know he’s the one because he’ll be wearing a pink spandex onesie and a top hat.


Mr. MK,
Every year, New Year’s Eve is always a disappointment. What should I do to ensure that this NYE is the life-changing experience that’s always promised?

Oh Mariam, you silly rabbit. The problem with NYE, birthdays, Christmas and other big occasions is that they prelude absolute insanity. On any day on which there are so many expectations, you’re bound to find disappointment. The world is forced to be happy when the clock strikes 12 just for the sake of it being another day on the calendar. Forced collective feelings of happiness? Sounds like Communism to me. Yes, I am claiming that New Year’s Eve is a Communist holiday. The point I’m trying to make here is, why delay any sense of pleasure in your life? If you want to go round screaming 3…2…1, before making out with a stranger, then do it now! If you want to give up your sad dreary life as, I’m guessing, a data entry assistant, looking for solace from an imaginary internet agony uncle, and follow your dreams to become a carp fish enthusiast/dealer instead, then go find some motherfucking carp and a motherfucking carp lake. It doesn’t matter what the date is, carp will always be carp. I like carp.


Mr. Mosh-Killa,
I’m 21 and working at my first job but my dad still treats me like a child, giving me annoying curfews and stuff. How can I convince him that I’ve grown up?

Well, I think a big part of growing up is learning how to deal with your problems in a sensible, mature way. For instance, how do you insert a corporate promotional push when you’re an internet agony uncle? I think to solve your problem and mine I’ll tell you this: you need to use Pantene Pro-V Milky Damage Repair Shampoo. It repairs damage in just a couple of washes, not just for your hair but for your whole life. With it’s  Pro-V science developed with NASA which locks in moisture from root to tip, Milky Damage Repair will leave your hair nourished and shining. You’re welcome Lara.

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla