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Kids & Condoms Don't Mix

If there’s something straaaaange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call?

Mr. Mosh-Killa,
I have three kids, I live with my mum and she’s driving me crazy. I just want to go out on a Thursday night with no drama. What do I do?
Dina

I’m not sure what is more depressing about your life: that you still live with your mum or, that you want to go out partying on a Thursday night when you have three kids or, that your mum isn’t willing to look after your children on Thursdays or, that if you’re still anxious to go out on a Thursday, you’re probably still pretty young in which case, the fact that you already have three children is quite depressing. I’m trying to empathise with you here though; how exactly is your mum driving you crazy? Does she constantly nag you by saying things like “Oh Dina, get a job!”, “Dina, where is your husband?” “Dina, stop sniffing tramadol when it’s bed time!” “Dina, where are your kids? I haven’t seen them in days!” What a bitch. Oh sorry, you want advice. Try adoption and emancipation. Then you’ll be free to live your razzle dazzle life dancing away at Tamarai on a Thursday night without having to worry about your pesky kids!

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Mr. M-K,
I cannot find a condom that fits in Egypt.
Anonymous

Oh come on, don’t pretend to be anonymous. Look, Dina, that’s no excuse to go bareback. By the third time he knocked you up, you should have realised he wasn’t the family type.

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Hi,
I’m in love with you Mr.Mosh-Killa. Is there a Mrs. Mosh-Killa?
Lina.

I’m touched! To quote Rumi: “Are you jealous of the ocean’s generosity? Why would you refuse, to give this love to anyone?”
Except you. I refuse to give this love to you.
Bitches who are in love with imaginary internet columnists be crazy. I’m so lonely.

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Mr. M-K,
I bought silver booty shorts but now I live in Cairo and I don’t know where I can where them. Advice?
Lauren

El Regina. The Best Khaleegi DJs and Nightclub in Egypt.

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on info@cairoscene.comm or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla