Thursday 8 of December, 2022
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No Applause for Gaga

Sorry Little Monsters, but Timmy Mowafi just can't understand the obsession with Lady Gaga, not least after her latest video debuted yesterday.

Staff Writer

So when Lady Gaga got big, I happened to be around a few gay people and faghags and they knighted her as their new queen. You know, because she’s ugly but confident but insecure, straight but gay and made out of bubbles and frogs or something. But let’s just get something clear. The whole avant-garde, out-there fashion statements and insane musical talent combo was never her thing. It was Freddie Mercury’s thing.

I get lonely too sometimes, Freddie.

CairoScene Managing Editor Dalia Awad asked me to watch Lady Gaga’s new music video for her single Applause on the agreement that she’ll never play it again in the office. So I adhered. And just to prove I watched it, here you go…

It kicks off with Lady Gaga wearing a mailliot shar3y. I actually don’t have much of a problem with this, except she’s not swimming and she’s now made the whole of Gamasa really trendy. 

Seems like there was some left over paint from the set, so she’s just going to smear that all over her face now, but not before she pops up out of a magic hat, dressed in three different coloured crocodile suits, with one of those cheap glow sticks coming out of her arse. Which is nice.

She’s wearing this back bra now that looks like hands grabbing her tits because she’s a strong, independent female and no one else wants to touch her boobs.

Now she’s on a bed in simple yet elegant black lingerie, nothing odd about that so far, quite pleasant actually. Yes! Well done Lady Gaga… Oh wait. Shit, now she’s the head of a black swan in an egg. No! You were doing so well…

Yeaaah… Back on the bed now. Actually, I like it when she’s writhing about on the bed. It makes me quite want to have sex with her. If you filter through all the macabre nonsense, she does have really hot moments but then I think about what sex with Lady Gaga might actually be like and I don’t quite fancy having my penis as a centre-piece of some sort of fleshy dreamcatcher whilst a thousand Vietnamese midgets in drag watch on, jerking off giant vuvuzelas or something.

The one thing that is glaringly obvious from this video is that she’s gone mental. Like, listen; I get surrealism, I get pop art, I get being controversial and I get being ultra dedicated to your aesthetic but there’s this look in her eye, in every scene, this strange, cold, nervous stare and it’s not acting. It makes me feel that once the cameras stop rolling, she walks off stage, covers herself in bubble wrap and mustard and rocks nervously in the corner of a mausoleum until her next show.

Sorry, I got sidetracked…

Now she’s a holographic, underwater wizard bride with three tits.

Now she’s a ghostly, Little Mermaid inside a Space Invaders game with shells on her tits.

Now she’s in a big bird cage with a yellow afro and twigs on her tits.

Sorry. I tried. I can’t watch anymore of this stupid shit…