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Ahmed’s Criminal Underworld

Porn. Or Plumbing. Or Both.

It took the super computer 7.5 million years in The Hitchikers Guide To The Galaxy to calculate the ‘Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything’. Should’ve just asked Mr. Mosh-Killa.

Dear Mr Moshkilla,

I recently had a baby girl, but no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get my old body back. I used to be really hot, now I’m just fat. I no longer want to leave my house because I’m afraid people will point at me and laugh. What do I do?

Eman

That seems like a silly question Eman. You have obviously avoided the concept of working out to lose weight. Then again, seeing as most Egyptian gyms are more like fashion shows / social clubs than workout hubs, I can see your dilemma. I think your best bet is to just stay home eating and eventually die of obesity leaving your child with sick ingrained psychological issues stemming from the fact that she led to the death her mother. This will in turn make her depressed and turn to food as her only release. She will become fat, no one will love her and she will eventually pass away from a blocked artery. The good news being that she won’t breed and the vicious family cycle of fat people and death will end there.

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Dear Mr.Mosh-Killa

I am working now as an accountant but I’m getting bored of my job and need a career change. The problem is, I don’t have any other fields of expertise and don’t want to take a lot of courses in order to progress? Any quick solutions?

Samir

Porn. Or Plumbing. Or both.

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Mr. Mosh-Killa!

I am living abroad and made my parents believe I have this wonderfull career with an amazing salary. In real life it’s the opposite. I got fired a month ago and spent all my money and now my mum wants to come and visit me and see how I’m living. I’m too embarrased to confess to her what’s going on! What do you think I should do?

Rania

You remind me of those Nigerian footballer kids who send their family’s life savings to an anonymous ‘scout’ in Europe but when they get there there there’s no scout or trials. They end up having to live three to a bed in some shack working as plumbers or pornstars because they’re too embarrassed to tell their families. When you don’t have a key to a house, honesty is the best key. Most mothers like to feel like their offspring are still dependent on them in some way or another. If she’s caring enough to come visit you, she’ll be caring enough to look after you. But no one will ever care about you more than Mr. Mosh-Killa, which is why you’ve just won $1,000,000 pounds for asking the question of the day! Just forward a small set up fee of $500 to my bank account and everything will be all right.