Little pleases me as much as celebrity freak outs do. I derive a certain sadistic pleasure from watching those perfectly groomed, well manicured embodiments of pop culture, crumbling and detaching from reality under the watchful eyes of millions of people (and Perez Hilton). I dislike them, but I love them. I hate what they stand for, but I want to become everything they embody. So, in a way, I feel like the pleasure I derive from watching those celebrities fuck up their lives is masochistic in a sense. Assuming that I see myself in them, I hate myself. But I also love myself...

Attempts-at-being-Sigmund aside, there's a limit. No matter how fun it is to watch their sanities slipping away into the fifth dimension (Britney attacking that paparazzo's car with a green umbrella and a shaved head was the highlight of my past, current and future lives combined), it's important to remember that they're still people. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye…or a head of hair. What's even worse than self-induced mental breakdowns on live TV are meltdowns that are orchestrated by little trolls who think it's funny to make celebrities cry and scream for their mothers/fathers/gay fathers on live television. I may enjoy celebrity freak outs, but nobody messes with MY objects of amusement.

What's even ten times worse is Egyptian "comedians" (using the term super loosely) who think they are funny, witty, and can actually pull off an Egyptianised Punk'd. If you haven't figured out who I'm talking about, then you probably live under a rock. Let's discuss Ramez Galal, aka "Ramez 3ankh-Amoun" aka the most fucked up person this planet has ever seen. He makes Mohamed Badie seem devoid of mental issues. What his show does is drag celebrities, under false pretenses, to a "tomb opening", trapping them in said tomb and then enforcing archaic and low-production means of scaring them senseless. What pisses me off about it is he then acts all surprised and just a tad hurt when they react badly. When I say react badly, I mean BADLY. Think kicks to the face, and words that are inappropriate to be uttered in Ramadan.

Assuming you manage to use your two brain-cells to navigate the intricate world wide web, find your way to my article and actually manage to read words here, I ask these questions directly to you Ramez Bedan: Were you bullied excessively at school? Do you think you're hot and you have swag? Apart from your mother, do you really think anyone finds your jokes/show amusing and funny? Do you REALLY think even your own mother finds you hilarious? I mean, look at what you did to poor Haifa: the woman was quite literally in hysterics, screaming and crying for God (who I'm sure frowns upon her existence) to save her. Then, some asshole has the nerve to sue her for "defaming Egyptian representatives". First of all, man who obviously did not go through a day of law school, Ramez Galal is in NO WAY an Egyptian representative. Second, he's the one who should be sued for defamation, not that poor-yet-slightly-promiscuous-girl. Finally, this is Egypt; lawsuits take a longer to unravel than it takes to understand the plot line of Days of Our Lives (there were aliens involved at some point, that at least I am sure of).

What if someone actually dies of fright, oh-master of comedy? It could happen. If it does, a "ma3lesh, walahy benhazar" isn't going to fix it. Your existence is inexcusable. Your face is annoying. Your voice is annoying. You're like that awkward pimple I get whenever I have an important meeting/a high profile party/a date to go on, except YOU'RE on television.

I am, however, baffled by the stupidity of Egyptian celebrities that seem to fall for these shows EVERY SINGLE RAMADAN. I mean, do you not learn? Do not accept invitations to go into tombs from strangers! Furthermore, you obviously have TVs at home; you know what goes down every single season. HOW ON EARTH DO YOU FALL FOR IT?!

With this, I conclude: I'm pretty sure Sigmund Freud is just itching to rise from the grave and analyse the psyche of a shitling like Galal…