Sleeping With the Enemy
A problem shared is a problem solved. Sometimes.
My life is perfect. Should I feel bad for everyone around me?
Yes! Finally a problem I can relate to. Between Ménage à trois(es) with supermodels, counting my stacks of gold bars in my mansion in Mauritius and speaking Wingdings 3 fluently, I sometimes get very agitated by the pathetic peasants that surround me. Not only should you feel bad for them but you should also make sure they feel bad too. Spit on them, sleep with their partners, and do not give them the respect of looking them straight in the eye when you talk to them (look just to the left of their face). What’s that saying? Nobody’s perfect? As if. Let’s just wait for these losers to catch up.
I can’t fall asleep at night even thought I’m exhausted. Like, I’m dying to fall asleep but my brain won’t let me because a million things are running through my head. And then I have to wake up really early in the morning so I never get enough sleep! Is there anything I can do to de-stress and fall asleep in less than 3 hours?
I could tell you that you are not your thoughts, that you are simply the silent observer and have to get in touch with this; I could teach you deep breathing exercises or get you to imagine your limbs as heavy stones; I could tell you to count sheep or unicorn or sheep riding unicorns but, in all honesty, sleep is for pussies. Get up and work your arse off ’til your only pillow thoughts are: What am I going to do with all my gold bars?! N.B. These gold bars may or may not be hallucinated based on sleep deprivation.
My boyfriend is, unfortunately, kind of a momma’s boy. It sucks; he does whatever she wants and she is so demanding but he just doesn’t see it. It’s a really awkward and sensitive subject to bring up because it’s his mother, you know? But it’s driving me crazy, she asks so much of him, takes up so much of his time, and he seems to think it’s perfectly normal! What should I do?
You do realise momma’s boys date girls who are like their momma’s, right?
I can never ever make it to work on time – no matter how early I set my alarm, no matter how efficient I try to be in the morning, I always end up late. Do you have any tips to help me not get fired?
Find a wormhole into the 4th dimension (of time travel) and choose to arrive at work whenever or wherever you want. But make sure, when you invent your time machine, to click the correct settings or you may end up having tea with Genghis Khan. He will offer you a pot of a strange, freshly-brewed, Oriental coffee that smells a bit like feces. You will decline, he will get angry and he will try to axe you down. You will, however, manage to escape, but in his fit of rage he will slit the throats of many of his men, changing the course of history forever. The butterfly effect may see humanity changed completely: maybe a guy will invent half shoes/half slippers with holes in them that are revolting to look at but oh-so comfortable to wear, leaving our feet in a constant state of confusion, maybe Egypt will one day be run by terrorists… oh wait, shit! You’ve done it haven’t you, you selfish bitch? You’ve caused all this rubbishness in the world because YOU wanted to sleep in a bit. Jeez, now go back and sort this whole mess out.
You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla