Monday 5 of December, 2022
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Teeny Weenies & Hypocrisy

In a country where some women are made for marrying and others for macking, Abo A7a is on a mission to rid Egypt of all its virgin-hankering hypocritical men.

Staff Writer

So it’s fairly well known that men in Egypt tend to overwhelmingly want to marry virgins. A large proportion of these men - at the same time - will do everything in their power to not be virgins on their wedding night, or any other night for that matter. They want some women for macking and other women for marrying; a division of labor if you will. Egyptian men are shockingly efficient.

I’ve never fully understood why our men are so adamant about marrying virgins. Personally, I can’t think of a more terrible prospect. I’ve never had sex with a virgin and quite honestly can’t imagine that I’d ever want to. Everything I’ve heard about the experience seems awfully unpleasant. I’m of the view that there are things that should be outsourced like telemarketing, computer programming and ridding women of their virginity. I’m really quite happy to step in when that’s all over and done with. Ladies bear with me, you’ll like the rest of the article...

So why is it that so many of my countrymen see things differently? Why is it that when it comes to their brides they want a girl who’s never had any experience with physical intimacy while these guys have spent the past several years trying or paying to sleep with anything that moves? 

In my attempt to understand I asked a lot of guys to see what they’d say. The most popular responses I got were something to the effect of, “You don’t want her to be thinking of someone else when she’s sleeping with you.” And, “She’s more likely to cheat if she has slept with someone else in the past.” Mind you, these guys have all slept with other women.

So what does that really mean when you think about it? What it sounds like is that these guys all have really teeny weenies or are just downright terrible in bed. Likely it’s both. I mean why else would they be so sure and worried their wife would think about or pursue another dick besides theirs? I mean if these dicks had any talent or presence they really wouldn’t need to concern themselves with that.

The reason they want virgins is so when they marry someone she’ll think he’s the best she’s ever had because, “coincidentally,” he’s the only one. If your penis is puny you don’t want to be with a woman with a frame of reference. It will ruin your marriage and think of the children and how they’ll suffer. Really, these men are just thinking about the children they can barely reach inside of their women to produce.



As for the men who are sexual hypocrites, not out of incompetence, but out of sheer stupidity I have a little advice; stop it. Please, please, please stop it. You’re ruining things for the rest of us. Egypt’s like a god damn antique shop. You can look but you can’t touch. Why? Because all you sexual hypocrites have got women here so damn paranoid that they won’t shag freely because they’re afraid they’ll never eventually be able to get married. Let’s face it, they have good reason to believe that. The vast majority of you, thanks to your imbecility, insecurity or both would never knowingly marry a girl who put out while she was dating you. You “lose respect for her” while for some inexplicable reason continue to respect your sorry dinky-dick self.

You need to think more strategically. I won’t bother arguing based on equality, feminism or any good reasons. Let’s focus on your dicks. After all, that’s all you’re focused on. The more women see that they can get married even if they have premarital sex, the more likely they are to have sex with you without billing you for a fancy expensive party at the Four Seasons, villa in Katameya and a shiny stupidly expensive rock. Think about it. This could be awesome.
There’s another advantage. You won’t have to waste all that money for one of you to belatedly discover you have terrible sexual chemistry and then live a life of shitty sex or have a divorce in under a year resulting in the need to have another obscenely expensive party just to get laid again. Really, I’m just trying to help you.

Now for those of you who are sincerely terrible in bed and reasonably certain any woman with a frame of reference would leave you in under two minutes (roughly the time you take to climax), I have some advice. Go to the pharmacy, buy yourself a few packs of blue bills of bower and get things in working order. You’ll be happier, your partner will be happier and we’ll all be more likely to get laid; thus much happier as well.

So to all the hypocritical tiny men out there, stop. Not for me, not for women’s equality or any of that, but for you. Because, believe it or not, the sooner men stop being hypocritical assholes, the sooner Cairo’s dating scene will start to compete with Beirut’s (except for the hot Lebanese women).

Ladies, you have a role in this too. If you don’t want to be bound by this patriarchal nonsense, there is a solution. Refuse to date/shag/marry any of these sexual hypocrites. Make these guys pay. Feel free to shag those of us who would never marry a virgin because we’re committed to your liberation… and everyone just having a good time.Next time some hypocritical, insecure, small-penised, big headed prick asks you if you’re a virgin, your response should be simple: “Just how tiny is your penis exactly?”

One final disclaimer; if you’re a virgin and you want to marry a virgin, I’m cool with you. If you want to deny yourself those pleasures and are looking for someone who has done the same then I can’t fault you. I can’t understand you either, but fair enough. I’m just mad at the hypocrites.