Wednesday 30 of November, 2022
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The Martians of Mauritia

Scientists recently discovered a new micro-continent submerged under the Indian Ocean that was hidden by the islands of Reunion and Mauritius.

Staff Writer

Scientists have named this brand spanking new continent Mauritia, and we are very excited to meet the inhabitants of this Atlantis-like place.

First and foremost, the Mauritians have been living on an underwater continent all of this time, so they have clearly developed ways to extract oxygen from water through natural processes. Imagine how many drowning suicides could be prevented! Moreover, their communities resemble the communist villages that the Smurfs live in but just underwater. So their communist world resembles Sponge Bob Square Pants,  just without the pants.

Furthermore, they have been able to avoid detection from the wider race of human beings, but that is not to say that they have not interfered with some of our Earthling clan. After a botched attempt at kidnapping Karl Marx, in the hopes that he could set straighten out a rogue village called Port Said which declared itself an independent capitalist center bent on producing cheap goods by exploiting a surplus value off of the sweaty backs of the workers of the world, Mauritians reappeared centuries later to implant the idea of piracy in the heads of unemployed Somalis. Their intention was to frustrate Asian fisherman and prevent the mass extinction of their friends and closest allies the great tuna. But the best made plans of mice, men, and Mauritians often go astray. Instead, they are now eternally plagued by the guilt of making their home, the Indian Ocean, a place to be feared rather than loved and respected.

So what do these curious creatures look like? They are meretricious, mermaid-like creatures that can sail through the ocean with the agility of a seal but the presence of a nuclear submarine. Each Mauritians carries with him/her at all times a sharp cutting instrument that resembles an Omani khanjarwhich is an absolutely essential battle weapon during encounters with their mortal enemies, the dolphins. Many a brave Mauritian have died as a result of eternal bleeding resulting from being speared by the dreaded dolphins of the Indian Ocean.

Once upon a time, these species lived side by side. Mauritians used to force their pregnant women to give birth surrounded by seven dolphins (a practice later repeated by the grungy hippies that reside in the Florida region of the United States); however, the birth of the Mauritian warrior Karsku changed a once harmonious relationship. Before he was out of the womb, Karsku slaughtered all of the dolphins in a fit of rage that was predicted by the resident oracle. The dolphins never forgave, and the Mauritians didn’t forget. They were enemies ever since.

Be that as it may, there are plenty of things we can learn from the inhabitants of Earth’s newest continent. First, we should treat them with respect because having friends, even meretricious mermaids, is better than being alone in this world. Second, we can eliminate suicide by drowning if they teach us the ways to breathe under water. Finally, we can perhaps rekindle the old ways of dolphin births that created so many good souls one day long ago.