Up in Smoke

Mr. M-K,
I really want to Tweet more but I don’t know what to say, nor do I want to come off as cocky and egotistical. What route shall I take to reach Twitter fame?
Sara

Twitter>Settings>Log Out>Get a real life. Twitter, at the end of the day, is one big, narcissistic ‘LOOK AT ME! AND HOW SMART I AM! cluster-fuck of annoying characters too lazy to actually do something with their lives to get critical acclaim. You’re ability to put in a punny witticism, integrated with a sharp analysis of the world, whilst showing how awesome you are within 140 characters will not make you famous. It will make you lonely, and give you carpel tunnel.

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Dear Mr. Mosh-Killa,
I’m surrounded by 15 smokers at work and think I’m going to end up starting to smoke very soon, not to mention that the second hand smoke is killing me. What should I do?
Khaled

How old are you? A cigarette is essentially the grown-up version of a nappy. By smoking, you are telling the world that you are completely incapable of controlling basic urges. It’s a cry for help. You trudge around your office once an hour, every day, being completely unproductive, discoloring your teeth and putrefying your lungs, just because someone you fancied when you were 14 (who is now morbidly obese and has three kids) once offered you a ciggie behind the school gym. And you’ve been too weak to suppress the chemically induced craving ever since. Smoking weed is a little more acceptable – as long as it’s done with two friends or more and there’s no Bob Marley involved – because at least it’s quite fun. If the second hand smoking is annoying you, just do what I do and dab a little anthrax on the tips of their cigarettes. That should do the trick; not enough to kill them, just enough to leave them severely ill.

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Hi Mr.Mosh-Killa,
I really don’t like my best friend’s new fiance. We’ve kind of grown apart in the time they’ve been together and now it looks like it’s a permanent thing. I genuinely don’t like hanging out with him and she always wants to bring him everywhere! And I obviously can’t tell her I don’t like her fiance. What should I do?
Lina 

Don’t be that creepy over-attached “if i can’t have her no one can” friend, you’ll just push her away further. Go find a guy yourself and double date. Alternatively, dab a bit of anthrax onto their wedding cake. Not enough to kill them, just enough to kill the guy.

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Hi Mr. M-K,
I just found out I have exams next week and I’m pretty clueless about the subject. Do you have any cheating tips?
Mimi

Fantastic question. I’m going to assume you’re not just a lazy idiot but understand the pointlessness of government controlled tests to tell you if you are smart or not, in order to categorise you into universities to get a piece of paper which tells you that you are good at remembering words from a book. Try writing short notes of the exam subject on your inner ankle and then cross your legs over. Teachers won’t check your legs if you’re a girl.

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on info@cairoscene.com or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla