Monday June 24th, 2024
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This Terrorist Group Banned Single-Use Plastic Bags for ‘Environmental Reasons’

The Somali terrorist group might be a detriment to humanity in and of themselves, but plastic bags? Straight up satanic.

Staff Writer

This Terrorist Group Banned Single-Use Plastic Bags for ‘Environmental Reasons’

There is hardly ever a piece of news that can stir up the entire writing team as much as this thing has. We’re still questioning if this is something from The Onion or not, but here it is anyway: Somali terrorist group – Al-Shabab – have imposed a ban on single-use plastic bags (still in disbelief) in Shabab-controlled Somalian territories. Their argument- which is pretty much infallible – states that they “pose a serious threat to the well-being of humans and animals alike.” According to the group’s governor in the Jubaland region – Mohamed Abu Abdullah.

In another blessed twist of environmentalism, the group has also imposed a ban on the logging of indigenous trees. Like, this is legit. What’s truly ironic about this whole situation – an example that you can use to explain irony even to a capuchin monkey – is that Al-Shabab are notorious (among many things) for supporting the ivory trade for seemingly ages. How are a bunch of bloodthirsty militants going to impose their green commandments? Same as they do with everything else; bang bang, pew pew, boom stab stab.

On our way to save the planet

No, Mahmoud, this isn’t the first time that a terrorist organisation has called for more environmental stances to be enacted. Al-Qaeda has gone on record as early as 2016 criticising the U.S’s policy towards climate change, and their failed attempts at environmental preservation. Yes, friends, our angrier cousins across the Middle East have done this. Even the Taliban’s Department of Agriculture and Agronomics (disbelief continues) has directed its militants to plant trees as soon as weather conditions are favourable. The rationale being that the locals would be more compliant with a gunman carrying corn into their homes.

Whether this Somali ban on plastic bags is truly for the environment’s sake, or an attempt at hogging more materials for bomb production, we’re still hoping for the best – bearing in mind that these dudes straight up kill people.