It seems like every day some new technological wonder pops into existence, totally reinventing some aspect of 21st Century life. Especially since the advent of smartphones, bajillions of gadgets have come out, taking advantage of the tiny supercomputers in our pockets. Still, for every smartwatch or wireless speaker that comes out, there are thousands of gadgets no one ever needed.
Oh, America, your love affair with firearms is funny and scary at the same time. Not only do some of them demand it is their right to possess military grade firepower, but now they want to be able to pack heat without anyone being able to notice. Ideal Conceal has created a .308 caliber double barrel pistol that can be folded up and disguised as a plain ol’ mobile, so you can finally carry a weapon without being afraid that someone will judge you.
Thank God technology has evolved to a point where we don’t even have to consciously keep our pants up. Belty, the first smart belt, uses a motorised buckle to automatically adjust to whatever situation you and your pants might run into – loosening when you sit down or eat an entire bowl of koshary too fast, and tightening when you stand up or spontaneously lose a ton of weight. Who is adjusting their belt so much that they need to automate the process? We’re just terrified that once the belt becomes self-aware, it can cut us in half or squeeze our guts out like a tube of toothpaste.
It’s a futuristic invention that tries to make you stop using it. This smart lighter keeps track of how many cigarettes you smoke to help you kick your habit. It even has an app that syncs with your phone and can be used to locate it when you lose it. Imagine when somebody accidentally steals it and you can finally hunt them down and exact swift vengeance.
Smart Selfie Sticks
We really don’t understand selfie sticks to begin with, but the smart selfie stick has baffled us even further. Instead of frantically getting ready for a timer to go off, the smart stick has bluetooth that allows to take your time and snap at your leisure. Now there is officially a way to look even more like a doofus than a normal selfie stick.
If buying everything in your house over again to get ‘smart versions’ of your toothbrush and drinking glasses sounds like just too much of a hassle, then Mother is your solution. A group of sensors that you stick to your boring old ‘dumb’ stuff – or even people – so you can keep track off how much coffee you drink or how often your kids uh, exercise or something. Or you could just, you know, pay attention to your life.
A programmable ring that uses gestures to do anything from turn on your TV or open up an app on your phone. What is the point? We don’t know, either. It’s expensive and TVs already come with remotes, and if you want to use your phone it’s probably already in your hand. It’s not even fashionable. They could have at least made it look like ‘The One Ring’ or something.
Remotely turning on the kettle in the morning would save you what, like five seconds? It’s water and heat, one of the simplest, most fundamental interactions there is. Having a kettle that can be remote controlled and sends you notifications when it’s ready is just stupid. Kettles already had notifications built in – they start whistling when the water is boiling; why did we need to bring 21st Century tech into this?