We've collected the top ten hypocritical characteristics that many Egyptians are guilty of. How many sound familiar to you?
1. Hash is not a drug
We’ve all either engaged or experienced a friend or twenty who punctuates the day with the hourly spliff. There’s harsh criticism of the expanding drug culture that’s taking the party-going scene by storm, but of course, this doesn’t include hash. Not to hate on or make a pass at hash itself, but let’s be honest… a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, or in this case, a joint by any other name is still classified as a drug, idiot.
2. Sex is Haram
In the cultural and religious context, premarital sex is haram. But thank God this rule only applies to one cavity in the human body, anything more limiting would be too hymen-tenance. We should take a moment to honour our anus, our mouths, and perhaps, our ears? After all, apparently it’s totally game to penetrate any of these babies. It’s very popular for girls looking to preserve their “maidenhood” by sacrificing the less venerated parts of their body. We’re sorry to break it to you, but by engaging in anal and oral sex, you’re no saint… these acts are equally if not more haram then “normal” sex. Perhaps it’s noteworthy that we aren’t condemning sex, rather pointing out the need for mohtaramas to replace the penis, by putting their money where their mouth is.
3. Islamic Tatoos
Another Islamic taboo is the tattoo. Tattoos are deemed unacceptable in Islam as they allegedly hinder the pre-prayer ablution process. But you’ll always get your smart ass trying to vindicate their “sin” by inking Quranic verses or Allah’s name on themselves. This begs to question, if you’re so committed to the religion, why the fuck are your preserving you hypocrisy (or stupidity) in permanence?
4. I'm a Muslim, I don't eat pork...
By now it probably sounds like we are bashing on Muslims, but we have no intention of doing so. We’re just being good Samaritans and highlighting popular Egyptian hypocrisy. Saying this, we all know that you are still eligible for divine intervention that will “mend your ways” if you break some of the rules in Islam, namely, drinking, sleeping around, wearing your feelings, but God forbid you commit the complete and utter heresy of eating pork. No. Just no. You are a kaafir under such circumstances. Astaghfurullah.
5. I Hate Egyptian Drivers
Guess what? You are one. Cairo is famous for its dangerous roads and crazy cars that zoom past. We love to hate on the bastards who cut lanes and risk our lives and the lives of those we love... Except when we have to make that appointment downtown. Then it’s a matter of survival of the fittest, or, swiftest. Everyone adopts a self-proclaimed role of being a stunt double on the set of the Fast and the Furious. Fuck the children, fuck the lives, we know you’re schedule is just THAT important.
6. Hipster Capitalism
Egyptians have a tendency to try to impersonate Western culture, but somehow almost always manage to take it too far… giving rise to the 6th point in the list of Egyptian hypocrisies. You’re a hipster, we get it. If your multiple posts about Alice in Wonderland aren’t enough of an identity statement, then surely your non-prescriptive glasses and tacky wardrobe does the trick. In saying this, its one thing to dress to fit your mould, and something else to undermine the idea of being “non-mainstream” by starting a band or throwing events for artsy starving-but-not-really artist types, then promoting and mainstreaming the agenda on every social media device possible.
7. I hate how dirty this country is
Egypt is dirty, we get it. In fact, you don’t have to get it. Evidence of the pollution causes breathing problems, daily eye sores, and ultimately makes the city look like shit. These are pretty obvious observations, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out an equally obvious solution; stop throwing your fucking trash out the window. This whole idea of coveting Europe and the greener grass is a bit ridiculous when you’re the ones shitting where you eat.
8. The revolution that did a whole 360
We had a revolution. Mubarak was ousted. The military took over and committed numerous atrocities on the public. Morsi came to power. We had another revolution. Morsi was ousted. The military is in power again. You argue that this was the lesser of two evils, and this makes you happy. It’s a fucking joke really.
9. Hating the curfew
The curfew gave rise to a lot of open dissent concerning the need to party, the need to drink, the need for new #instacontent, the need to have a wank… and tweet about it. But really all these complaints were a bit of a farce. It felt kind of nice sleeping on time, getting to know those strangers formally known as family who roam around your house, and actually talking to your friends. So basically, shut up. You loved it.
10. Chivalry goes as far as your pants
So we’re all on board for chivalry, especially in a society that’s marginalised gentlemanly behaviour as much as ours. But a point of inquiry emerges when this show of manly “concern” is only extended unto girlfriends and potential girlfriends. Apparently, the minute a woman gets into a relationship she become ten times more susceptible to rape and abuse, thereby planting the need for men to make sure she avoid public transport and text when leaving or entering your home… But as though by some invisible chastity belt, all threats fall flat the second the relationship or interest is over.