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30

Hassan Hassan's birthday is just around the corner. The ever-witty artist takes us through his life-lessons so far, from not screaming when he encounters an insect to avoiding botox and everything in between.

I have been turning 30 since I turned 26. Once you’ve sailed through the start of your twenties, all that’s left is turning 30. My past four birthdays were basically four very long countdowns to hitting the big three-oh. Obviously, my first reaction is to wallow and listen to Young & Beautiful and scream “THAT’S NOW, LANA! WE’RE NOT YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL NOWWWWW! WE HAVE ACHING SOULS IN THE PRESENT!” But I’m trying to be an adult about things and get my shit together and not throw phones at people. I really always want to throw things at whoever is talking to me and I feel that the fact that I haven’t done that in 30 years is really a testament to my willpower and maturity.

So 30? I don’t know man, I can’t tell you I feel any older and wiser. I don’t know if I can impart any kind of wisdom on you psychos and be like, I learnt all of this stuff, look at how long it’s been since I graduated high school (14 years. FOURTEEN.) or be like I have learnt that the secret to adulthood is kale and a martini (neither of those things are, but they help). You have Thought Catalog and BuzzFeed for those articles. Nay, this is an article to make me feel better about myself and share my secrets to staying youthful and whatnot so that you can look 25 when you’re 50. I don’t know man, here’s a list of the things I have learnt and things I am going to be doing now that I am 30 (lists work really well on the internet and I’m going to find the appropriate GIFs to make this even more fun and less about me):

My life is good. I might not be lunching with Anna Wintour, but I feel that would be super awkward anyway. In the larger scheme of things, as far as gas prices and money and stuff, you’ve been pretty successful, Hassan. You don’t ask people for money or help most of the time and you’ve doing things on your own for like, a decade. It has been all about me and that makes me proud and not depressed. Bravo me with my art, my career and all the money I spent on drugs and alcohol, with no one to answer to or yell at me.  

Junk food is over, Hassan. This is sad. You will miss fries. But if you thought your twenties were going to be brutal to your body, just think of forty. I really didn’t do a very good job of preparing for thirty (except for the past six months of losing five kilos, but that wasn’t planned). You are going to give up McDonalds and Hardee’s and Pizza Hut and eat gourmet junk food that is healthy and light and will give you radiant skin and firm abs. Also, I really hope I never see 40 ever, I’m ok with 30, but think 40 will be super fucking intense. 

Never get plastic surgery. As a man, Hassan, this doesn’t work for you. Let’s just admit that you look ten times better than you have looked in ages (see: losing five kilos and add tan to the mix. You’re the hottest you have been since 2005) and this is entirely due to my penis. Men age well. We keep looking better and better; rougher skin, your hair gets better (if you don’t lose it, thank you God for sparing me that and also for my nose and height). If you are ever tempted to botox your forehead or get a tummy tuck or laser lipo your whole body, just Google Bruce Jenner. It doesn’t get scarier than that. 

Stop giving a fuck. I have heard that a spiritual calm comes over you when you turn 30 and you stop giving a fuck about anything. This is supposedly gone by 32, but I think two years of happiness not giving a shit about people or your life is more than anyone can ask for. 

Age ain't nothing but a number, going down ain’t nothing but a thang (I just needed an Aaliyah reference). 

Don’t be scared of things. Listen, remember when you were fucking petrified of insects? Like straight up screaming like a fucking little girl and running to someone to find someone to help? Then I was like, you’re a fucking grown up, who the fuck are you screaming for? Who exactly is going to help you kill this cockroach? God? The bawab? Both of them are napping. So I got a grip and now I kill cockroaches and talk to Vodafone Customer Service Reps without losing my cool at all. Remember what this teaches you, Hassan; screaming for people is pointless when you have yourself and everything you’re scared of is in your control. Think about it.

You don’t have to complain. Nine times out of ten when I complain, it’s really just talking. While your best friend thinks ‘you bitch like you breathe’ this is in your control. Let’s not go crazy with positive thinking, but nine times out of ten, not one person gives a shit about your panic attack and you just look like an idiot. You’re an adult, control is vital and complaining doesn’t fix anything. Not complaining is super hard, but like fall asleep or something. It’s better for your skin.  

(I couldn’t find a gif that wasn’t a bedan Katherine Heigl quote. I’m not complaining, that’s the point of this thing.)

Am I turning into Oprah?

 

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