The world of Egyptian grandmothers is one of mystery, hysteria and hilarity. Which one is yours?
Egyptian grandmothers are simply the best. They have character, style and seem to be able to get away with murder if they so chose. They will turn you into their subordinate with a simple act of elaborate drama or shower you with gifts and green, not to mention the gossip that puts any major tabloid to shame. So here’s to Egyptian grandmas for adding spice to our lives.
Scrooge Mcduck Grandma
We love them because they give us lots and lots of money, come birthdays, Eid, Christmas... You name it, they always shower you with cash. There is a slight problem however with the Scrooge Mcduck Grandma; most of the time she has not fully comprehended that the value of the Egyptian pound has fallen since her teen years. So when she gives you a 10LE note with a smile and encourages you to buy your heart’s desires or take out your crush on a dream date, you don’t have it in you to let her know that the most you can buy with that is two Twinkies; one for you and the other for your date.
Gossip Girl Grandma
She knows it all. She knows why Mona broke off the engagement with Corolos to elope with her Lebanese lover whom she met when her mother was having a nose job in Beirut. The trick about Gossip Girl Grandma - or the triple G threat - is that she is very much undercover; you will never be able to tell that her kind eyes are actually scanning you and uploading your information into her infinite database. The original CIA, Egyptian Intelligence and MI6 combined. Be good to her and she may let you in on some of her juicy gossip. XOXO
You want to find your perfect match? Nefsak tetgawez? Looking for the one? Look no further and seek salvation from Cupid Grandma. If you are very lucky you will find yourself a Cupid Grandma Special: she can use social media and with that will have more options for you. She is the mastermind behind some of the most bizarre couplings. You may not know her...but she knows you. The real diplomat of the matchmaking world she is anything but subtle, using public events such as weddings, funerals or birthdays to awkwardly introduce young couples. Word of caution: best to avoid Old School Cupid Grandma as her idea of a couple best suit the Game of Thrones series, with ridiculous age gaps as well as attempting to marry you off to first cousins.
Drama Queen Grandma
The original diva. The creator of The Bold and The Beautiful. Drama Queen Grandma. She didn’t get the chance to end up in the Hollywood hall of fame so she made her big debut in Egyptian society. Dare you not mould to her will, she will not throw a fit. She will, however, put on a little show. It could be that she is having a mini-heart attack, feeling faint, headache, nausea or all of the above. When asked what’s the matter, she will shun you aside and start a Shakespearean monologue on how neglected she is by loved ones in a cruel, cruel world and, of course ending with how much she has sacrificed. The End.
Smooth Criminal Grandma
Oh we love her! She can get away with murder...literally. She is no law abiding citizen, to her the rules simply do not apply. No smoking sign? To hell with it! You can’t sit here...Oh yes she can! There is an art to it; she doesn’t simply call out anarchy. Instead she plays cool and sees what game she will need to implement in order to get away with whatever she’s up to.
Granny A La Mode
Your ripped boyfriend jeans and swag shirt are blasphemy to her. Everyone is a cockroach to Granny A La Mode and she the queen mother. Her nails are always done, the shoes match the bag and she is always dressed to perfection even if it’s going down to buy the groceries. To her, the glory days are long gone: girls rocking the grunge look and dudes getting in touch with their feminine side with their skinny jeans are all signs that the world is coming to an end.
Top Chef Grandma
Gordon Ramsay would quiver in her presence because she is the Top Chef. With age old recipes of stuffed pigeon, Molokheya, Moussaka and so much more, she puts on a banquet where everything tastes like pieces of heaven. With Top Chef Grandma, it is best to fast at least three days before her big banquet as she will be most displeased if you don’t finish at least five plates towered with her food and manage to leave room for dessert.