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9 Things You Don't Have to Do

Who says you have to do all this stuff before you die? Swim IN the NILE? As if...

Over the years, people - we're not sure what people exactly but people - have sort of universally decided on certain things they’ve deemed epic enough that you have to experience them once before you die. But here at CairoScene, we’re all about comfort, following your bliss, and taking the easy way out. So here are 9 things that you don’t really have to do before you die.

1. Swim with sharks

Sharks are the ocean’s most feared and fierce predators. So obviously, submerging yourself under water, in a cage or just in the wide open ocean, less than two feet away from these killer creatures, is a brilliant idea. Just brilliant. Has Jaws taught us nothing? What’s wrong with going to a nice aquarium and gazing at them through a thick sheet of glass? Whatever happened to good old-fashioned swimming with dolphins? Dolphins are much less inclined to try and have you for dinner. Not to mention, pretty much every shark we've come across is an Israeli spy. Boycotting sharks is, like, a service to Egypt.

2. Eat at El Brince

Egyptians are always going on about how you just HAVE TO eat at El Brince at some point in your life. For those who are not familiar with this restaurant, it's fly infested shack in Imbaba. Yes it's iconic and yes it's Egyptian but that does not mean we have to go eat in the street in Imbaba and have dinner spread out on a three-week old newspaper, as flies make themselves feel at hom on our food - which is all coated in a healthy layer of fat. 

3. Have sex on a beach

Songs have been written about this. Movies and music videos portray it as a sexy and romantic experience. But really, isn’t it hard enough trying to rinse the sand out of your hair after an average day on the beach? We don’t want to imagine the various orifices it would find its way into if you were naked and writhing around in it. Plus, have you ever been to a beach - be it Sahel, Sokhna, Gouna or Hurghada - and NOT bumped into someone you know?

4. Swim in the Nile

Why? Just why? We know the damn Nile is a national treasure and yay us for having it and all, but what's wrong with taking a nice felucca with enough booze on it to kill a horse and enjoying your night floating atop the Nile instead of in it? Who the hell knows what's in there (besides Bilharzia, a rather large amount of sewage, and possibly some leftover alligators)? The only way we ntend on physically being in the Nile is if they drag our dead, bloated bodies out of that river after we fall out of the aforementioned felucca having consumed all the vodka on board.  

5. Milk a cow

Does anybody out there really want to milk a cow? And if so, why? If you have ever felt inclined to milk a cow before you died please contact us so we can better understand the rationale behind this. Thanks.

6. Eat mokh (brain) / lesan (tongue) / makhasee (testicles) / kersha (don't even know what this one is but it's one of the gross ones).

We can't quite picture the day when we're coming to order office lunch and someone goes "Let's get makhasee!" and everyone goes "Yeah! I've been craving some good testicles for a few days now!" We mean, we're not sure why the mood or need would ever strike me to munch on some cow testicles, given the massive range of food options readily available that did not used to contain semen within them in a former life.

7. Go skydiving

Voluntarily jump out of a plane with a little piece of cloth attached to your back that may or may not open as you freefall the many miles down to earth? We think not.

8. Throw a huge Project X style party, and invite everyone.

Ok we'll give you this one. We'll even promote it on CairoScene if someone decides to throw it so...let us know!

9. Go to a cabaret

Ok fine, we'll give you this one as well.  we do actually want to experience the dirty underbelly of Egypt and watch greasy, sweaty khaleeji men with seventeen pounds of zeit Amla in their hair tuck geneihs into the rolls of fat on the stomachs of even sweatier belly dancers whose own seventeen pounds of makeup are running down their faces, while the mean shout "Aywa ya Boossy! Aywa, Aywa!" Should be good. Who's free this weekend?