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Markaz Made

9 Ways Egypt Will Kill You

And we're not even counting murder-suicide pacts.

If you live in Egypt long enough you will have come to the conclusion that your death is imminent. No one likes to think about it, but almost on a daily basis we are faced with a hazardous situation that will have us questioning our mortality. How you will die in Egypt?

If you have driven in Egypt, then chances are on more than one occasion your whole life has flashed before your eyes. This happens often as yet another microbus cuts you off while your car is pinned between two uncovered trucks, one carrying lemons and the other carrying garbage. As you swerve to avoid the barrage of flying garbage the lemon truck spills over making sure that whatever injuries you suffer will sting, while the garbage is there to simply add insult to that injury. Be warned: taking taxi will exponentially increase the chances of having a fatal accident.

Sadly the simple of act of breathing the air has become an issue for those wishing to be eternal. Various studies have ranked Egypt as one of the worst cities for air pollution. With the Egyptian habit of burning garbage everywhere and permitting cars that essentially emit a blacker than darkness smoke screen, it isn't difficult to understand why are air is so polluted. That being said, don't be surprised if your life is cut short because your lungs have given up on you faster than el-Baradei.

Some believe that the dangers of Egypt are simply its streets, and that there is plenty of safety at home. We wish this was true, but considering how building regulations are often ignored, many live with the risk that their homes may collapse at anytime. This is because of silly greedy landowners who keeping adding more floors to their buildings without proper permits or safety tests, until the whole block hangs in the air like a Jenga tower that is one turn away from ending the game or, in this case, your life.

Even though Egyptians haven't made it to the FIFA World Cup in over 24 years, we take our football super seriously. So serious that they even name themselves Ultra fans. If you happen to be cheering for the wrong team, on the wrong side, then don't be surprised if you end dead with your head being used as a football. 

These days it is hard to keep track of who is felool, who are terrorists and who are simply patriotic Egyptians. After January 25th uprising, Egypt gave way to 90 million opinions ensuring that it will never be a country with a satisfied population. In order to stifle opinions, the powers that be have deemed it illegal to protest, and have gone so far as charging those who take the streets as full fledged terrorists. This has further radicalised extremists into justify bombing the state which is another sudden way you could die in Egypt. If you happened to get arrested than you could be facing a mass death sentence, which why these days it is safer to stay home and shut ub your mouse.

We all know that cigarettes aren't good for you but even worse for your health are fake cigarettes. The Egyptian market is flooded with them, and although we know that cigarettes will eventually kill you, fake cigarettes will ensure your death before witnessing our next biennial revolution.

According to our all knowing military, the simple act of not eating enough kofta will likely lead to you contracting AIDs. Recently we were told that the military will be placing the cure for AIDS in kofta. The rational would assume we didn't, but the irrational have decided to forget about their love for kebab, as only Sisi's kofta will sace their life. Did we mention it was halal?

Over the counter drugs that shouldn't be sold over the counter will kill you. Sure, anyone could overdose on pharmaceuticalsanywhere in the world. However, in Egypt pharmacists are willing to make you anything you want, even if they know it is bad for you. What do they care? They want your money and you want your drugs, and before long those drugs you thought were safe will have you floating belly up down the Nile.

On the streets of Egypt everyone is a comedian, even though sarcasm is not quite understood. Many will joke with you for the fun of it, but if you play your cards wrong and retaliate by insulting one's mother, than more often than not you will find yourself entering a world of pain and possibly death. This may explain why Egyptians aren't known for "your mama is so fat jokes," because no one has survived to tell one. If you find yourself in this unfortunate situation than we recommend calling the assailant in a loud voice a haramy. As soon as anyone hears that there is a thief in their midst, even the Average Moe will find themselves a part of uncontrolled blood lusting mob, looking for justice.