Tuesday 6 of December, 2022
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Ramadan working hours give you the time to discover things you don't need to know and remember things you should have forgotten. For some reason, Hassan Hassan shares those things with us.

Staff Writer

Admit it; you’ve kind of enjoyed Ramadan. The working hours are amazing (I get to choose between 9-3, 10-4 or 11-5. Every day. I wake up drunk on options), you’re basically allowed to eat everything you want and you’re literally obligated to watch TV and smoke something every night. So I’ve been pretty chill. I have lost like 3 kilograms because my main eating times at the office no longer exist and I avoid 3ozomat like the plague. I’m always busy; ain’t nobody got time for tantes.

Because I have vetoed the eating/social aspects of Ramadan, this means I have a lot more time to myself. I have found myself immersed in MasterChef Australia every single week night. It’s literally on every day. Do they watch nothing else in Australia? Are their lives really all about cooking and surfing and accents? Should I click on that Facebook ad telling me that thousands of skilled immigrants have moved to Australia and become blonde? I’d actually be interested. They make their own pasta and there is a mohagaba called Samira on the show, so surely I’ll feel right at home.

Anyway, other than MasterChef I have found myself bored. All those hours I would have wasted getting drunk and yelling/texting my friends are now available. Those two hours you don’t have to be at the office become and empty and void. Is there nothing to live for? How do sober people do this all year round? What do sober people even do? Here’s what I’ve discovered so far:

- Rediscover Brandy.

Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. I have been talking about joining a gym in Ramadan since 2012. I got over it on the third day of Ramadan this year, when I tried to go make a membership and three people I knew were walking in or out of that hell hole. Nobody has time for small talk while out of breath, sweating and trying to get the fuck out of the gym. Instead, I watch trailers for this show. The actual show is two hours and really loses steam in the middle. Watch the last ten minutes. It’s all you need.

- Write lists of all the things you should have accomplished at your age and burn it while laughing manically.

- Do some investigative journalism on the internet. Last week I found out that White Girl Problems, is not in fact Babe Walker. She is not a socialite who stole my life. She is in fact three people (David Oliver Cohen, his brother Tanner and some other bitch with great hair) who invented Babe, got 800,000 Twitter followers, a book on the New York Times Bestseller list, a movie deal and stole my life.

- Think about all the injustice in the world. 

- Go through every single thing on asos.com and ponder prices. Is a velour sweatshirt worth $62? OMG shoes for $8! Obviously, that’s an awful shade of lime green. Could I make them work? Should I buy sweatpants for $92? I would literally wear them all the time. How much is $92? LE700? LE300? LE1500? I’ll keep the tab open for the rest of my life, that’s like wearing them every day right?

- Relive a classic.

- YouTube can be a dark, dark place. The other night as I was flipping from video to video (it started with something about Clueless’ 18th Anniversary, moved on to getting a virtual closet on some app, the best moments from Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan’s breakdowns autotuned and so on and so forth) since I was a tiny little bit stoned, stumbling on to this became a natural progression. I have had nightmares since. I have so many questions? Does she record the voice over and then the video? How did she discover these things? Are her eyelashes battery operated? This is all so dark and destructive. These poor little Asian girls. I definitely need to adopt one. How has this gotten 8 million views?

- Think about the injustice in the world.