Wednesday 30 of November, 2022
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Camel Wrestling Federation

Once a year in the coastal village of Selcuk in Eastern Turkey, thousands of spectators converge to watch hundreds of camels battle it out for glory, supremacy, and more glory.

Staff Writer

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, CairoScene is proud to introduce to you, the WORLD CAMEL FEDRATION HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WOOOOOOOOLRD:  The Spitwad Kid! Coming from the mean streets of Istanbul, this scrappy young underdog has been training all his life for this moment; the Selcuk-Efes Camel Wrestling Festival, coming at you live from the beautiful coastal city of Selcuk in front of a packed crowd of literally some people. There’s a packed field out there today, and The Spitwad Kid will have to use all of his skill, intelligence, and phlegm if he wants to leave with the coveted (belt/crown/trophy/whatever the fuck they give to camels).

With such esteemed names as the Ultimate 7ewar-rior competing for the prize, how can our young upstart hope to win in what would be the biggest upset in the history of the esteemed World Camel Federation? In his first match against the charismatic Heart Break Calf, the Spitwad Kid managed to grab victory with a surprise pin, but not without controversy as his opponent claims that both his humps were not on the ground at the time of the three count. Now through to the semi-finals, the Kid hopes to keep his momentum going by winning a submission match against the Million Lira Camel. After a hard fought battle, the Kid finally managed to surge to victory by locking in the camel clutch, and the crowd goes wild.

The stage is set. The crowd has been whipped into a frenzy. This is the moment they’ve all been waiting for; a steel afas match for the prestigious World Camel Federation Heavyweight Championship of the world. The Spitwad Kid, one on one, camelo-a-camelo with the crafty veteran the Iron Hump. They start off very cagey, circling around each other, kicking up sand in an attempt to intimidate. After countless minutes of back and forth action, the Iron Hump decides to go for a cheap win by spitting in the eyes of his young opponent. Blinded and exhausted, the Spitwad Kid stumbles around trying to gather himself. And...what’s this?! The Iron Hump has pulled a steel chair out of the sand! He viciously cracks the Spitwad Kid across the head! The Spitwad Kid is out cold! He goes for a pin! No, not this way, goddamnit! 1...2...NO! The Spitwad Kid manages to get his hoof on the rope! The crowd is thunderous here at the Selcuck-Efes Camel Wrestling Festival! The Spitwad Kid pulls himself to his feet, but his legs are wobbly, he looks like he doesn’t know where he is. It’s all but over for him as the Iron Hump moves in for the kill. He looks to be trying to land his signature move; the Pilau Driver. He measures him up, and makes his move. But no! The Spitwad Kid counters, and hits him with his own finishing move, the Sambousek Slam! 1...2...3! It’s all over, he’s done it! The Spitwad Kid is the champion, and the crowd is on their feet! Never in the long, storied history of camel wrestling has there been an upset like this. This day shall go down in history as the greatest event in the history of sports. Thank you all for being with us tonight, me and my broadcast colleague Mamdouh Farag will see you next time!