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We know you're used to Hassan Hassan just once a week, but celebrity breakdowns are just too delicious to wait...

I am obsessed with a blonde bitch breaking down.

Now, before you judge me, you have to understand the place I am coming from. You have to look at this with an open mind and not say things like there are so many important things going on in the world. Don’t you want democracy? Didn’t you see the bomb in Syria/Afghanistan/Iraq/ /Boston/everywhere? Do you have no depth? No, I do. And all of you bitches constantly reminding everyone that their 9/11 is our 24/7 and other overdone clichés “overgrammed” on dramatic pictures. So don’t you worry, I know. I get it. But sometimes you need an escape. A safe place to go where the important things don’t matter and you are transfixed by something so otherworldly and strange, you are blinded to everything else in the world.

This personal safe place for me is a celebrity breakdown. I love everything about wholesome teenagers turning into slutty white girls. It is my favourite thing to watch. I know that this is wrong, but I am coming from a place of compassion and love. Once I’m done laughing. My favourite celebrity breakdown was in 2007, when Britney Spears attacked cars with umbrellas in short shorts. It was so bizarre to see her spiral out of control, feel bad for her as she was wheeled into an ambulance, cry during her documentary and know exactly when to say “it’s Britney, bitch,” in whatever that song was called.

It’s horrible, I know. I’m a monster. I can’t help it. So you can only imagine my joy, nay, my incomparable delight, at finding pictures of Amanda Bynes looking like this:

And this:

And this:

Then there was this video:


I have watched this video so many times I cannot even tell you. I have replayed it over and over, wondering what the fuck happens in that blackout. And then why was she doing that with her face? Is she having a seizure? What is she doing? No, for real, what the fuck is a Sour Patch Kid? Americans are so fucking strange. Her face. Why is she doing this? Why would she post it? Are you sure her asshole best friend didn’t post this? Where is her mother? Was she not yelling at her for being balls-out, fucked off of her brain? Did she not text her? What is her internal monologue? Because I can understand taking the odd video of yourself, you know, just to see what I might look like to the general public. No, actually I can’t, but I’m doing my best to understand the motivation behind posting pictures and videos of you being a crackhead. But then what is her prerogative in posting it? Do you want me to watch it 600 times? Do I have a spiritual connection with Amanda Bynes? Do you fucking remember He’s The Man? Her fucking round face. Now she has piercings. In her cheeks. So everything is even rounder. And she’s retired at 27? A7a, what is this?

So then I read lots of articles, because Americans are just as obsessed and are very fadyeen. So you’re all like is this a publicity stunt? Then she’s all like approving pictures of herself to at least have control of her breakdown. So she can feed into it. So she can hope for Drake to murder her vagina. It’s all just too much of a spectacle for it to be real. But then do I care? I’m still entertained, so it’s working. Shouldn’t she at least try to hide it? Shouldn’t she have some shame in her breakdown? At least try to keep it a secret? What kind of world do we live in that you would want to be talked about, even if it was negative? The kind of world where someone would post a video of themselves high as fuck and sucking on a Sour Patch Kid and getting ready for a night out, apparently.