Thursday June 1st, 2023
Download SceneNow app

Chocolate is Going Extinct

A new report indicates that we're consistently consuming more cocoa than we can produce...

Staff Writer

You know those mornings when it just seems like a regular day; you wake up, you curse the day you decided to work and not just search for a rich doctor in university to marry you and be your sugardaddy, you shower, you skim your morning news and then your world is turned upside down when you discover that CHOCOLATE IS GOING EXTINCT??? This is not an internet hoax; we as a world are running out of our most precious resource, and no it’s not oil, and no, it’s not water: it’s chocolate. What will we eat seven boxes of after a break-up?? TELL US, WHAT???

According to a report by Bloomberg, the world is currently running out of chocolate. Nobody panic. Nobody panic. Though we are currently hyperventilating. Humanity has led to a great many species becoming endangered…you know…all those tigers and stuff. But chocolate? This is not cool, humans. Essentially, the report tells us that the gap between how much cocoa the world wants to consume, and how much we can actually produce, will swell to 1 million metric tons, according to the world’s biggest chocolate making powerhouse, Mars Inc. and Barry Callebaut AG (BARN). Last year we consumed more than we were able to produce, this year we got lucky but barely broke even, and as the years go on, this gap will just keep on growing. According to Bloomberg, “demand is expected to outstrip supply by an additional 1 million tons every decade for the foreseeable future.” Shit, we’re screwed.

Essentially because of disease and drought and other crappy things in this world, cocoa is expected to be shunned in favour of more productive crops like corn and rubber. NO ONE WANTS TO EAT CORN, OKAY?

So what does this mean for our future? For our imaginary children’s future? Do you think chocolate will fade into something merely discussed in history books as a staple of the golden era? We’ll have flying cars and robots to rub our backs but we won’t have chocolate. But alas, there is hope! Apparently, in our brave new world, a cocoa warrior might emerge; a new breed of the crop, engineered to provide our world with “a steady supply of high-quality chocolate - and perhaps holds the key to how all future food should be grown.” We hope you’re right Bloomberg. We foresee chocolate riots if you’re wrong. We envision wars fought over those precious last few magic cocoa beans.

If this whole new breed of chocolate thing works out for us, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. If not, we can like, eat apples. Sob.