Tuesday 6 of December, 2022
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Curfew, Cute Guys & Conscripts

Killing your crises, one stupid answer at a time...

Staff Writer

Dear Mr. Mosh-Killa,

Why is everyone so short? I'm a 5'7" girl, which isn't even that tall, but I dwarf all the cute guys.


Hello giant. See, as someone who is roughly the same height and roughly cute, I would say this is more your problem than anyone else’s. Why are women so hung up on the idea that if their man hangs over them, it's more romantic? I blame Disney for giving girls everywhere a tall, dark, handsome complex. These old notions of femininity and masculinity; men are supposed to be big and strong and women small and gentile... Your thoughts are rooted in the physical and visual and you are giving short guys everywhere a complex. Give them a chance and more than likely they will make up for the perception of being less of a man in other ways. But also, with short people you may find that they are more devious and Machiavellian because part of them is hiding underneath the ground.


I introduced my best friend to another friend of mine and now they spend all their time together and I'm getting kind of jealous. Should I say something?


Nuh-uhh! Shut up! What a bitch! She did not just do that! That's totally OMG. BRB. Back, now listen, gurrl: next time she Myspaces you on the What's App, you make sure to smiley emoticon that two timing hoe, because everyone knows she's a slut anyways. Then invite the other girl over for a girl’s night out so you can get close and talk about what a slut she is and eat cupcakes and poke each other’s Blackberries.


Mr. Mosh-Killa:

I'm really scared about getting drafted into the army, how can I escape it?

Go away or go gay.


Hey Mr. MK,
I quite enjoyed curfew, going out at normal human hours and coming back early to sleep. I am worried with it being lifted, everyone is going to go crazy again and I can't keep up...


If all your friends jumped off a cliff because they were on ecstasy, would you jump too? I'm so tired of seeing these fucking kids stuck in their bubble of pointless partying as if they're Rock stars. They're not; they're losers who are afraid of spending half a second at home with their own thoughts. God forbid they actually do something worthy with their lives, lest they miss the after party, where they can discuss important socio-political matters over salmon tartare and a cup of tea.., No, wait, sorry... Discuss the best coke they've ever tried over some coke, surrounded by cock. Do yourself a favour and stick to curfew hours.

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on info@cairoscene.com or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla