Tuesday 29 of November, 2022
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Dear Future Me

It's our resident bitch's birthday and it's got her thinking about getting old. Assuming everything goes badly, she opens up to her future self...

Staff Writer

24th Oct. 2013

Dear Future Me,

Hello and greetings from the past. I (and you) have just turned 26, so I figured it was appropriate to check-in and see how you were doing. Now, I know you’re a forgetful little shit so you probably won’t remember what being 26 years old feels like (at least not in the vivid, raw, the-world-is-my-fucking-oyster sort of way that I am experiencing  everything right now), so I wanted to write and make sure you’re not sitting on your ass, eating your way through a midlife crisis, surrounded by fourteen street cats that you’ve kidnapped to compensate for the love that you let get away.  

You’re not amused. You don’t have to tell me that! And yes, I know better than anyone that you are one of the most annoyingly determined people in the whole of the cosmos and you’re probably off pursuing the next item on your bucket list right now… but, I thought I would write to you nevertheless, just in case you’ve hit rock bottom, things haven’t at all gone according to plan and to punish yourself and humanity, you’ve haven’t shaved your legs in a year. 

Now being ever so slightly prone to being somewhat condescending, you may wonder what the inexperienced kid that I am, in your eyes, might have to say to you that’s worthwhile after everything you’ve been through.  To that I say, stop being a conceited fucker (which you can be sometimes, if you’re honest with yourself) and give me a chance before you dismiss me completely!

Okay this is your worst-case scenario guide so, BITCH, listen up:

1) Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If things haven’t turned out the way you planned, you need to start working on a new plan! That means buy yourself an organiser, get a therapist and stop imagining that the Ku Klux Klan are going to jump out of the bushes and get you with a taser gun if you leave your house.

2) Say ‘no’ to plastic surgery! I know that’s probably harder to do now with those wrinkles rapidly setting in; those wrinkles which coincidentally accentuate your very Egyptian nose, which for some reason, seems to have gotten bigger overtime, but that doesn’t matter! There is nothing more unattractive than a middle-aged woman trying to look like a teenager. You don’t want to be what Avril Lavigne is going to be like (or is like by the time you get this) at 40! Oh, and even though you’ve probably got more than enough fat in your ass to fill your upper lip and sagging breasts to capacity, you’re not a human blow-up doll so go for a run instead. And while we’re on the subject, stop tucking your boobs into your belt and buy a push-up bra. This will help with the following point I’m going to address…

3) If you’re still single….well girl, at least it’s something you do well! But still, pay a visit to the hairdresser occasionally and agree to go out on a date every once in a while. They’re not  all bad guys (which I know has been hard for you to believe after Bradley Cooper didn’t call you back and Orlando Bloom got that restraining order against you), but why don’t you learn to say ‘yes’ every so often to a date? I know the idea still freaks you out, so just drink lots of relaxing herbal tea before you go out with that nice unsuspecting man, whose house you’ve been parked out in front of for the last two months. Avoid Red Bull or anything else with the potential to make you so hyperactive and on edge, you end up crying hysterically when the waiter tells you to have a nice day.

4) Never stop laughing-and laughing LOUD, for that matter! I know you can’t always control it and you end up bursting into hysterics in the most inappropriate of places (courts, funerals, your mother’s living room), and that has prompted other ‘more responsible’ adults to tell you to grow up, but ignore them; anyone who finds your laugh annoying can go fuck themselves.

5) If you’re doing a job you hate, then QUIT IT! Don’t talk to me about responsibilities…I don’t want to hear it! You were always one to follow your heart, regardless of the outcome, so what the fuck has changed now? If anything, you’re closer to dying now than you used to be, so now is not the time for you to be a chicken-shit about this! Stop making excuses, pull out that template resignation I placed in your diary all those years ago and hand it in.

6) For the love of all that is good and holy, join a yoga class or something. I know your unrelenting inclination to run away from anything more tasking than chewing is something you’ve fostered over the years, but you don’t want to be found dead of a heart attack on your couch with cookie crumbs on your chest within the next 12 months, so do something about that.

7) If you’re comfortable, then you’re doing something wrong.  If you’re comfortable, I’m going to set out on a quest to find Doc Brown from the Back to the Future movies, get him to build me a time machine, just so I can seek you out and stick a lit match up your nose. Because my dearest, darlingest, munchkin twin, if you are comfortable, it means you have stopped learning.  And you have stopped learning because you’ve stopped challenging yourself! Has Oprah taught you nothing over the years? So you need to rapidly rectify this issue…

8) Always have faith in yourself, in others and in God. There is a reason you got that tattoo on your right-hand wrist so don’t let the world talk you out of that unshakeable childlike enthusiasm and optimism that characterizes the core of who you are. Don’t let go of your inner child either! Granted, you may not want to tell everyone that you initially meet that you know how to speak Tolkien’s Elvish … At least not straight away, unless, of course, you’re at that Lord of the Rings nerd convention you swore you’d get round to going to!

9) Don’t compare yourself to others. I know if you really have hit that all-time low, it’s because you expected so much of the world and of yourself, and you feel like you’ve disappointed everyone involved, by not doing everything you said you’d do. You’re probably looking at famous people your age or younger and wondering why the hell you didn’t get to live the lives that they have. Well, Sally, your path is your own and it’s still not too late to get up and follow your dreams or fucking die trying. Don’t throw yourself a pity party and, even though the boys from One Direction may be in their late 30s now, it’s still creepy for you to try to become one of their groupies.

10) If you don’t like anything I’ve said, listen to Baz Luhrmann’s Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen. He basically says most of what I have already said, but you’re a snob so I bet you’ll trust what he has to say more than me. You really are a bitch!

Anyway, I hope this letter finds you well and that none of the above applies to you, in which case you’ve just wasted a couple of precious minutes on the ramblings of a much younger, less successful version of yourself, but I’m still glad you took the time to read this.

Look me up in the photo-albums when you have a chance, and try to send me a picture of what you look like too, just so I know if I need to be moisturising more often.

Love you lots, you fucking weirdo.

Eldárwen Carnesîr (…yep, that’s your Elvish name, in case you were wondering!)