Sunday June 16th, 2024
Download SceneNow app

Don't Be Yourself

Let Mr. Mosh-Killa take care of all your problems...

Staff Writer

Don't Be Yourself

Dear Mr. Mosh-Killa
I hate my job. How can I make money by just being myself? I'm pretty cool, surely someone will pay for that?

What the hell? Ahmed you're the problem with our generation, grown up on watching trash like Big Brother, cats on YouTube, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim & Kourtney Take New York, Kim, Kourtney & Katrina's Kaleidoscope of Krap, Khloe Kardashian's New Best Friend or whatever shit you kids are watching these days. For starters Ahmed, you do not have boobs or a sex tape with someone who has boobs so immediately the option of making money from doing nothing is pretty much out the window. On the other hand, I will personally pay you to stop talking to me and get back to work.


Mr. Mosh-Killa,
I'm Muslim and I don't fast. Sue me. But is it OK to openly not fast?

Of course H, it's completely your prerogative to not fast openly. I am, however, awaiting your next question which may be something along the lines of "The eternal flames of hell are burning me alive. They say I'm going to be here a while; any suggestions to spice things up a bit?"


Dear Mr.Mosh-Killa,
A guy I like called me a couple of nights ago to go out but it was at 2.30am. Needless to say it was a booty call and I refused (it's Ramadan, duh) but I do like him. How do I get him to like me back in a more appropriate way? He never calls me at normal hours. Help!

I'm not sure the time someone calls you has much correlation to how much he likes you. When he starts calling you at 11am to tell you how cute your ickle dimples are, you'll miss the days of the booty call.


Mr. Mosh-Killa,

My best friend keeps flirting with my dad. I know I should stop being friends with her but we've been friends forever and she knows all my secrets. She's been known to be a major bitch when people piss her off, so I'm worried that if I confront her she'll get really mean and could probably ruin my life with all the stuff she knows about me. How do I stop this from becoming an American Beauty situation?

The protagonist in American Beauty was too busy messing about with the creepy plastic bag fetish-ist to realise what she should have done is pretended she's in love with the father-stealer thus freaking her out. Do that and film it for added creep-factor. You're welcome.

Send all your dilemmas to or tweet @MrMoshKilla