Drugs, DJs & Pissing Everywhere

Mr. Mosh-Killa,

Why are there so many fucking DJs in Egypt and why do they call themselves artists? I am confused Mr. Mosh-Killa. Very, very confused...

Y.

It is true that, in Egypt, it is in fact illegal to not be a DJ. But why wouldn't you want to be a DJ? You get to travel the world and get mad bitches just for pressing some buttons and clapping a lot. The question is why are there so many bad DJs and the answer to that, my friend, is simple. Does this scenario ring a bell?: Your sort of DJ friend sends you his new set or track. It's not original and it sounds like shit; you don't even like their kind of music. So you give it a five-second run through and respond with: "AHHH, that's amazing! You rockstar, you God of music!" Everyone else will probably respond in the same way. They will also do the mandatory post on their Facebook wall. DJ friend gets a confidence boost. Club owners sees everyone raving about said DJ and book them for gigs. Now, you've told DJ friend how much you LOVE his sick beats so he wouldn't expect anything less than an appearance at his gig. Everyone shows up and it's a full house. It's a cash cow for the club; he's re-booked for upcoming months and everyone feels they have to go hear them again. It's actually starting to sound quite good, as anything would through repetition... So if you want less DJs in the world, just be a douchebag, but they're pretty much the same thing anyway.

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Mr. Mosh-Killa,

In the office, everytime I go to the toilet, I find piss all over the seat. I have told the guys to be hygienic thousands of times and they still tartar on the toilet. What should I do?

Jo.

Segregate men and women to different toilets like a common restroom. Failing that, just keep an eye out on when each guy goes to the toilet. If you don't hear the tap afterwards, it's probably that guy. If they're not hygenic enough to wash their hands they're probably unhygenic enough to tartar all over the toilet. When you find the guilty party, I want you to stand up on your desk and make a big annnouncement: FOLAN IS MA3AFIN! Where there's a willy there's a way...

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Mr. M-K,

I have a work dinner this evening with the whole team. It's at a kitsch (read: tacky) new restaurant and bar that's a client and I'm really not looking forward to it. My question is: what drug should I take to make it more bearable, without appearing too fucked up?

Dana

Well let's take a look, shall we? Take cocaine and you're pretty fucked for the night. No appetite. "Why aren't you eating anything?" It won't look good for the client and you'll be talking non-stop to your team about God knows what without anyone listening. Take any perscription drugs such as Tramadol or Xanax, and an already boring event will get worse and everyone will think you're being a petulant shit. Acid, Ket or any psychedelic is a definite no no. As a rule, you should leave a minimum of 50 miles between you and any co-worker when you're on hallucinogenics. I found that out the hard way. Which of course leaves hashish: you'll get one hell of an appetite, laugh at everyone's jokes and give an artistic opinion on this so called kitchness. You're welcome you fucking junkie.

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on info@cairoscene.com or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla