Egypt Clubbing Pains

Despite the club being almost completely empty, all the tables have been booked by invisible drunks and a little plaque saying reserved. You are sent to the bar or away, and that little plaque spends a lonely evening brooding on its own.

Hi!

As customary when clubbing in Egypt, one must be forced to say hi to absolutely everyone, even if you don't know them, never met or even seen them on Facebook before, as a matter of principle before even thinking about getting a drink or having a dance.

Kubels Only!

Yes, admittedly, there is a small percentage of Egyptian's who genuinely go out to a club because of their love of music and their love of getting lost dancing their ass off in the midst of a crowd but, for the most part, we endure excsessive amounts of cheap alcohol, filthy bathrooms, annoying music (and saying hi to everyone) so that we might possibly meet someone for potential fornication. That being said, why on earth are clubs here couples only? The only thing you'll meet is a fist in your face when you come on to a girl who you think is single. How about all you couple stay home, cuddle up and watch So You Think You Can Dance, leave the clubbing scene to us, we need it. Oh, who are we kidding, they're all cock-fests here anyways.

+ 21

Granted, there's usually big queues in any club you go to in the world but come on guys, no one will suddenly think you look hot because you've dumped a bunch of tap water on your hair, you're just filthying up the floor and look like you're sweating. And, girls - stop crying, the bathroom stall is not a therapist's office. And don't get us started on the drugs...

Sound

Very few clubs appreciate the importance of having GOOD SOUND, which is ironic seeing as the music is supposed to be a focal point for a good night of partying. Lounder doesn't mean better. Attention sound engineers of Egypt! Learn these words, learn them well and learn how to avoid them: CLIPPING, DISTORTION, FEEDBACK, EQUALIZER.

Flower Guys

Just to add insult to injury, after a night of failed flirting, Khaled Flower is usually there to sell you flowers, reminding you you're going home drunk and all alone.

Smoke

Forget the health benefits of the smoking-ban in Europe; we mean, if you're going clubbing every weekend, you must be a bit of a nihilist at heart but if it's a small place and there's 100 people crammed together, smoking, it gets ridiculous. Your eyes are constantly stinging and you're constantly apologising for burning someone's hand or hair or clothing. Not to mention we're missing out on the social aspect of going outside for a cigerette, or being able to tell a girl or guy, "Hey do you wanna go out for a smoke?"(Before getting a fist in your face)