Mr. Mosh-Killa,
I think my two-year-old is plotting to kill me. She shows up in dark corners, Maggie Simpson style, with her pacifier in her mouth, blank facial expressions and doesn't make a sound. Should I be concerned?
Menna

Considering she is a child, and her main activities in life revolve around doing nothing, I feel it's quite a stretch to be accusing your own baby of being a cold blooded murderer for essentially doing nothing. Having said that, if at any moment you notice your two-year-old daughter stroking a Smith and Western, hosting demonic cult meetings in her playground or burning an effigy of you in her Easy Bake Oven then you may have cause for concern. Solution: Stop being crazypants. DISCLAIMER: Lock your door.

***********************************

Dear Mr. Mosh-Killa,
My friends are great and we call each other really cute nicknames like Nunu, Lula, and Besa. The problem is, I don't know any of their REAL names. What should I do?
Gigi

Did you ever ask them how they got these names? Besa is the name for cheap, Egyptian heroin. Nunu is the autistic vacuum cleaner from Teletubbies and Lula is a Brazilian politician who ran for president three times, unsuccessfully. You're hanging out with the wrong crowd there, miss. Solution: Find new friends. DISCLAIMER: Remember to ask for their names first.

***********************************

M-K,
I want to wear hats but I'm not sure I'm cool enough. What's the best way to phase them into my wardrobe so it's not a talking point every time I wear one?
Dalia

Re-invention my dear; the avante-garde! We only have one life, so live as many lives as you can. One day, you're a boring hatless human, droning on with your day, lacking vigor and excitement, ordering sandwiches without pickles and saying your pleases and thank yous, the next day you follow your big dreams and put on a hat! And oh what a wonderous day it will be! You've become a confident trendsetter, you're out there, you order your sandwich without looking at the price, you don't answer your mother on the first call, you're living life on the edge!Fuck you. Solution: Wear hat. DISCLAIMER: Do not not wear hat. Idiot.

***********************************

Mr. Mosh-Killa,
Hi, I can't seem to find the perfect blonde hair dye shade. Somehow, it always turns out orange what do I do?
K.

Wear a hat.

***********************************

Hi Mr. Mosh-Killa,
My bawab constantly chastises me about the dangers of delivery food. I'm addicted to ordering in but I can't deal with him constantly pestering me.. What should I do?
Mo.

When your rotten toothed bawab with scoliosis is giving you health tips, you should probably listen. And he is completely right; most of these delivery foods use sugar substitutes like the addictive substance aspartame, two pure spoonfulls of which will literally kill you. Not to mention billions are spent on research by these conglomerate fast food chains to make sure they get just the right smell and the right subconscious rapage so that you get addicted. After one bite of a Big Mac, how often do you actually want the rest? It's a momentary desire. Succumb to that desire if you have to and order, but don't actually eat it. Just give it to the bawab instead.

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on info@cairoscene.com or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla