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Players on Every 5-a-Side Team

As we warm up to enter the Copa Kia in an attempt to win the coveted trip to Brazil, we uncover the characters that make up every Egyptian 'khomasy' team. Which one are you?

At youth level, the footballing talent Egypt has is on parallel with the likes of Brazil. If you go to any 5-a-side pitch around the city, you’ll see a blur of unbelievable pace, thunderous shots and more roulettes and rainbows than Ronaldo does in a year. And yet, we barely have one stand out Egyptian footballer who has made waves on an international scale and we haven’t qualified for the World Cup since 1990. You could say it’s the economic disposition at the time these talented boys come of age, you could blame the youth league infrastructure and coaching abilities but rather ironically, it may well be the same 5-a-side games which every Egyptian boy grows up playing may also be why it’ll be another 14 years until we get to the World Cup, because there are certain idiosyncrasies and characters in every Egyptian khomasy team that although may deter the development of a player, warm our hearts, and keep us going back for more every weekend.

The Copa Kia tournament kicks off in NewGiza's beautiful football facilities on the 16th of May giving anyone with a six players (including a substitute) and a bit of skill a chance to make it to Brazil for themselves, play in the international tournament there, as well as watch a quarter final match from the World Cup as part of the four-day free trip grand prize. Get all the details here, and then check out our list of players you see at every 5-a-side match in Egypt…

The Dribbler

Thinks of himself as the re-incarnation of Romario, the ball is always frustratingly stuck to his feet (or head). Draging it back and forth and back and forth in front of the defender unawares that no one is being tricked by his faux skills, holding on tighter to the ball than Mubarak did to power. He says he could have played for the Al Ahly first team but he has no idea how to pass and can only play in a 1m2 radius.

The Fatty

He’s good friends owith the other plays and provides much motivation through his quick wit and raucous banter but yet, he can’t play for shit. He wants to hang out with his friends, his friends don’t want to go in goal… it’s a match made in heaven. The fatty stuck in goal still manages to miss almost every ball shot at him despite taking up most of the net.

The Mido

During the Semi-Final of the 2006 African Cup of Nations, Mido got into a huge argument with then manager Hassan Shehata for being subbed towards the end of the match. There’s a bit of Mido in every Egyptian 5-a-side team, and some more than most. The Mido is the guy who never wants to substitute, switch with the keeper or ever get off the pitch. Occasionally Mido himself will occasionally also play in Egyptian amatuer 5-a-side tournaments.

The Tactician

He’s always trying to huddle and discuss formation and strategy, “Erga3!” “Etla3 Odam,” “Khaleek fel nos we ha3nelab 1 2 2!” Khosh 3al line we cross, w e3rga tany!” Yalla, “Hanel3ab  4-4-2”. No one listens to the Mourinho wannabe, everyone just wants to get the ball and try to score, plus there’s only four outfield players on the pitch and that doesn’t leave much room for tactical genius. Probably has played too much Football Manager.

The Shooter

It doesn’t matter where on the pitch he is, if he’s in goal, if it’s a corner, if the ball has just dropped from 40 feet in the air, he will shoot, always, usually first time and will score 1 out of 100 times. Everyone on the team hates him… but not as much as the dribbler, because you can’t score if you don’t shoot.

The Complainer

The complainer lives in an imaginary world where Pierluigi Collina is refereeing every one of his 5-a-side games, he plays to the rules which no one else cares about “Dansherooos blay!” “Ball le hand, mish hand le ball.” If the ball goes in through the side of the net, you won’t hear the end of it, “Walahy kan goal, walahy!” and then the constant cries of foul. He assumes there’s no slide tackling allowed and whines every time someone goes near him, usually irritatingly tutting and threatening ma7dars throughout the whole match. He will debate the final score of the match at the end.

The Fighter

Made of the same mould as the complainer but less whiny and usually does something about it. When he’s not at Tamarai on a Thursday getting into a fight about someone spilling his drink, he’s having a fight with someone on the 5-a-side pitch on Friday. Don’t fuck with him. Even if he’s on your team. Pass to him or he’ll smack you to the ground.

The Street-Baller

He couldn’t be bothered to bring his trainers or boots so he plays urban style with his feet. You feel bad to go near him or tackle him and then he makes you look like an idiot when he gets past you.

The Poser

He’s got the latest Adidas Predators or Nike Mecurials, “lessa gayebha men Landan." He’s got an official Premier League kit complete with his own name printed on the back and the number 7 or 9. He looks the part but he couldn’t kick a ball if his life depended on it, attempting stepovers, losing the ball, and falling over in the process. The boots never maketh the player.

We'll be entering a team for the Copa Kia, so here's our formation below. What will be yours? Team registration ends on Thursday 8th May. You can register by clicking here.