The Ramadan 2018 Egyptian Ad-stravaganza: Continuously Updated, Realistically Ranked
Some are creative, some are barely breaking even, and some should have never left the crevice out of which they came.
Well would you look at that, it's another year, another iteration of our favourite holy month and yet we're still (somehow) in business. Seeing as it's the month of piety and ads (but mostly just ads), we've compiled an organized and continuously updated list of this year's advertisement achievements. Whether it's reinforced steel, slightly expensive ice cream or horrific underwear, we have it all, and we've ranked it all arbitrarily so that you don't have to.
El Garhy Steel - :D!!
Holy shit. It starts off as something you can predict about three miles away, but then devolved into utter fuckery and glee. That guy with the galabeyya in his teeth is bae, and the narrator's stern Egyptian voice (Beyoot El Naaaaassss) rounds the whole thing off. You are blessed with a 9/10.
Mega Ice Cream - Edible Aesthetic
IT'S TOO AESTHETIC IT HURTS, but there's always something awkward about watching somebody's lips eat ice cream, or just generally watching somebody eat ice cream in general. There's also that dumbass sound effect when they bite into the thing, and that stupid voice towards the end. You get demoted to an 8/10 for audio.
Magdi Yacoub Foundation - There's Something in My Eye
Though the inclusion of children in an advertisement of any sort - especially during Ramadan - is widely considered to be a garbage move, this is one of the extremely few examples where the kids actually carry the whole thing. It has a soppy message carried aloof by innocent little songbirds, paying homage to both Farid El Atrash and one of the world's saintliest folks, Dr. Magdi Yacoub. You get an 8/10 just for being classy.
Carrier - A Breezy Acid Trip
This thing is pretty cool (H U M O U R), and it had to be; to carry the torch of their 2017 ad, where some bitch called Mona sets forth events that would go down in Egyptian advertisement history. Not only do you get assaulted with both trippy audio and even trippier video, you learn what not to do to keep your AC from shitting itself. You get an arbitrary 7/10 because you're not Mega.
Nescafé - Hits Where it Hurts
The folks behind this year's string of Nescafé ads were keen enough to capture one of the more...pervasive daily happenings with Egypt's modern youth; explaining your job to literal idiots - also known as old people. If we got paid a single Egyptian Pound for every time somebody asked us what we did for a living, only to fumble around before saying "I work in an office" instead of "I'm a writer," we'd have about the same budget that these ads had. Here's a generous 7/10.
Orange - Mighty Neighbourly
So it's another musical Orange commercial with a star studded cast, and it's genuinely enjoyable and everything, but Dhafer L'abdine might as well have not been there, same for Nicole Saba. In fact, Mohamed Mounir carries this whole thing, but the message overall is pretty neat. You get a 7/10 for Mounir.
Al Araby Group - Bandits with Standards
Getting your shit stolen by an amateur is miserable. Having it stolen by somebody more professional is equally miserable, but somehow, dignified. Now having bandits who target specific hardware with an extremely nonchalant and forthright attitude? You get a 7.6/10.
Juhayna - Pay More, Fart Less
Despite the obnoxious pricing on Juhayna's new lactose-free milk, this ad is actually kind of farm-fresh. The bit with the milkshake actually managed to make us chuckle (with a degree of guilt). Nice style, snappy humour, you get a 7/10. Maybe if you knock the price down a bit, you'd get a 9.
Vodafone - Trading Places
Just because you have a cast full of celebrities doesn't make an ad worth a turd. However, putting regular actors and actresses against seasoned athletes in a non-sexy role reversal scenario is kind of entertaining. The music is meh, but the premise and the dialogue are pretty neat. 6/10.
ABK Egypt - Zen Realism
Relax...touch your core...realise that materialism is naught but a forest fire eating at your innermost self...realise that you have bills to pay...also realise that starvation is real...come to the grand realisation that debt is far better than poverty...realise that you get a 5/10...
Banque Misr - Meh
Talaat Harb is dead, and Banque Misr's loan youth loan options should be buried with the guy. But it's a nice, scenic trip through Cairo, and the music isn't too terrible. Kinda sticks to your brain cells for all of three minutes, but it's passable. You get a 4/10.
Pepsi - Cool I Guess?
It's...Saad Sameer - an Egyptian football player - singing something about good spirits and the power of...I don't even know. Woo. Great. Sports. Patriotism. 2/10.
Cottonil - Cheap and Wrong
Do you like attractive women in tight clothing? Are you basic? Do you enjoy wasting entire half-minutes on a whim? Well then you belong in the dumpster next to this mistake. 1/10 for the guy talking in the background - he's amusing.
WE Telecom Egypt - No.
Horrible music, horrible scenery, horrible service. This is what happens when you outsource your ad campaign to your slow niece who just learned that toes are on feet and not hands. You get a No/10.
Dice Underwear - A Stain You Can Never Hide
Mahraganat, young people being young (useless), old people pretending to be young (slowly dying) and "funky" visuals, all the makings you'd need for a lacklustre underwear company to brand themselves straight into the bottom of the laundry hamper. Never say Sa7by unless you've been stabbed at least two times, please. 0/10.
Skyline - Please Stop
If it isn't Hany Salama's awkward fuckboy haircut or attitude that doesn't drive you away, it's his "wife" and her mangled Egyptian-Spanish-Poodle accent. Or maybe it's the fact that - per their advice - the best way to escape the drudgery of life (which you will never escape) is to sell your neighbour's children for an apartment at Skyline. Thanks, man. -2/10.
La Mirada - Audiovisual Abortion
We want those 45 seconds of our already miserable lives back. -3/10.