Resolution

Generally, the holidays are tough for me. This might be because they’re not really holidays here and I still have to go to work, but I’m guessing it’s mainly the fact that my television shows are cancelled. This means I am forced to encounter my own reality instead of living vicariously through Silver, Navid, Adriana, Naomi and Liam. This leaves a lot of time for self-reflection (and watching Shahs of Sunset) which turns into a vicious circle of self-loathing that is passed from year to year. This leads to a mental checklist of New Year’s Resolutions. I have done this with gusto every year since like, 1998. Every year has been the year I will lose 5 kilos and move to New York.

I do this because I once read an article about the healing benefits of hope (I’m not sure what that is, despite asking at various pharmacies only to receive a litany of blank looks). Everyone needs a little bit of hope. Hope is a fucking liar that feeds on our fragile psyches; telling us that this year will finally be the year that things change, the year that job you really wanted will miraculously appear, the love of your life will sweep you off your feet in that Mercedes you’ve always wanted and everything will be fucking honky dory.

This year I have decided to do the very best next thing. Apparently attainable goals go hand-in-hand with hope, and since previous years have failed me (yes, yes, hard work, I get it), I’m going to try some reverse psychology on this mutherfucker. 2013 is about to get fucking intense:

1. Embrace obesity.

2. Smoke more.

3. Finally develop that antidepressant addiction.

4. Fuck gyms. Eat more.

5. Spend a lot of money.

6. Get another credit card. Debt is the new black. (Note: we’re at the point of financial collapse, so personal crisis will seem insignificant in comparison.)

7. Stay in Egypt. Love it here.

8. Really get entrenched in my routine. (sleep.shower.work.eat.work.shower.eat.eat.sleep).

9. Fall into frequent comas.

10. Memorise the constitution.

11. Grow a beard.

12. Complain just a little bit more.

13. Look forward to the occasional breakdown.

14 Have an occasional manic episode to spice things up.

15. Fix my sleeping schedule; 16 hours a night sounds good.

16. Be extra late to things.

17. Get really good at being alone. Forever, not just for the year.

18. Obsessively keep track of Kimye’s baby and its development.

19. Write more useful lists of appropriate baby names for Kimye’s baby. Starting with Kimye.

20. Get to grips with the fact that if Kimye didn’t announce their impending bundle of joy on the 31^st, 2013 would literally be about nothing.

21. Write daily affirmations and email them to Khloe Kardashian.

22. Get really good at my fake smile.

23. Stop reading books.

24. Download and memorise every single reality television show.

25. Get @lindsaylohan to follow me on twitter.